a woman in search of her word

Welcome to 2012

2012-01-15T09:03:00.002-05:00

ok, so i'm a little late on this goal-setting thing. doesn't mean i haven't been thinking on it, i've just had stuff to do that's prevented me from blogging about it. it's easier to just copy them from my training blog, so here we are...

my main goals for 2012:

first: finally finish a novel and/or play that i’ve been working on.
i’ve got a couple of novels in various stages of development as well as maybe a quarter of a play (that may be better written as a novel, at least at first). in training for the marathon (and teaching and working at Disney) i've let myself get away from the creative side of me, and i want to get that back. i’m committing to a minimum of writing for an hour three times a week – and in some cases “writing” may be spent detailing a character to get to know that character better and/or research if necessary into something. if it means i need to fit another gotham class into my schedule and budget, i’ll do my best to do it.

second: be more active socially.
and i mean both in the general sense of the word as well as in causes i believe in. it’s too easy to let myself get isolated and not get involved – either with causes or people. i want to stretch myself and make an effort. and if that results in finding someone to hang out with on a regular basis, so be it. a relationship isn’t necessarily the end goal here - but it would be a nice bonus and i'm not going to avoid a relationship. basically it's just about putting myself out there and being more involved in life.

third: get myself to a healthy BMI.
to be at the top of the range for my height, i need to drop 40.2 more pounds. my thinking is i’d like to go a little lower, but i’ll get there and evaluate how i look and feel. thing number one with this will be healthier eating – more fruits and veggies and less fried things and take out. also related food-wise? stop over-rewarding myself for runs. yes i need to refuel, but i don’t need a big old treat every single time. In addition to my running, be much better about my XT. i’m still contemplating joining a yoga studio, but i think that starting monday i’m going to (assuming i can find either my print out or the version online) do the 4-week training schedule for bob harper’s inside out series. work on my strongs in places other than just my legs. also be more consistent about stretching and strengthening my pelvic area.

so there we have it. goals for the year laid out.

and working on the second goal, last night i went to a singles event - not exactly speed dating...there are 4 questions with 7 different answers and you get into a group with women who answer like you do. then there's a mingling period. and then you fill out a scantron-type form with the numbers of those you are interested in having a date with (a date in this case being at minimum 30 minutes of hanging with that person in a public place) to see who you match with. um, i matched with 5 people! wow! so looks like i'll be having at least 5 dates soon. i'd say goal number 2 is well underway!

now to work on the other two!

Pretty cool!!

2011-11-07T18:23:00.002-05:00

So I took this quiz...

My result:
You're Culture Curious
People often comment on your refined nature and sense of calm. You love to entertain and be entertained and this shines through in your bright, intelligent conversation. You have a traditionalist nature which is sometimes reflected in your tastes and style. You are thoughtful and original in your outlook. You like to be made to think and often seek out ways to expand your horizons.
You're sophisticated and inquisitive with a real passion for art and culture. You pride yourself on being an early adopter of the latest music and films and always like to have a good book on the go. Your ability to bring together very diverse and even dissenting opinions is rooted in your appreciation for all points of view. You believe in immersing yourself in interesting experiences that make you look at people, places and opportunities from new angles. Being sensitive and creative you want to feel connected to the world around you and actively seek out opportunities to explore it. It's all about broadening your horizons and living life to the full. Anything else would not fulfill your curious nature. You'll love the list of The Best 1,000 Movies Ever Made, the Critics' Picks and Arts Beat.

I'd say that's pretty accurate! :)

the last time i was really, truly happy...

2011-10-27T18:13:00.003-04:00

(forgive me while i take a break from the 21 questions...i'll get back to it soon)

ok, well maybe not the LAST time, but it's one time i can look back on and honestly say i was truly happy.

Godspell

my youth choir did it while my senior year in high school, and honestly it was one of the only times i remember being really, truly happy from about 9th grade on. governor's school was another time. (and weirdly there's a common bond there. more on that later.)

see, starting in 9th grade i was bullied. i'd never really fit in with my peers, but things had never been really ugly until 9th grade. i think i talked about all this before, but basically it started when we were keeping journals in my english class. mine disappeared and just as mysteriously reappeared but with comments - nasty, hurtful comments - written in red ink. so there was no way to make them disappear as the red would just bleed through white out. this continued throughout the year. my science work folder - a compilation of worksheets and assignments that i'd been working on for months - was stolen. it reappeared, and fortunately my teacher was understanding and didn't penalize me for it. things continued throughout high school - little comments here and there, a birthday party that i was only invited to because my dad was on a school board committee with the birthday girl's mother, so she was forced to invite me, wads of gum thrown into my hair the day i was leaving for my governor's school audition, and so on and so forth. after the science folder incident, i stopped telling my parents if anything happened. i didn't want them showing up at school for any kind of meetings because it only made things worse. i'd disappear myself into academics and music, and i pretended not to care. but deep down i did. and no one noticed. no one noticed that i was steadily climbing from top 20 to top 15 to top 5 (possibly 3 but i never knew for sure) at graduation. no teacher said anything about the girl whose grades were consistently going up - they were too concerned about the kids whose grades were slipping, too worried they were in some kind of trouble to notice that i was frantically waving my arms as i was drowning.

but when we did Godspell none of that mattered. i could lose myself in the music, in the story, in the parts i was playing. we didn't do it exactly as cast - there were more of us because they wanted to involve anyone who wanted to be involved - but still. my main part was the woman caught in the act of adultery and leading the (as we did it) trio of "By My Side". it wasn't my story, yet i so easily could feel what she must have felt - an outcast, a misfit, someone living in fear and waiting for the next stone to come never knowing which one might be fatal. after the show one night, one of our church members, a child psychiatrist who i think had a far deeper sense of something being wrong than even my parents did, came up to me and complimented me and even suggested i should find a way to pursue acting/musical theatre. (he wasn't the first to suggest it...my friend allie from governor's school was constantly encouraging me while we were there that summer, and after she kept after me and after me to come visit her at her college and look at Carneige Mellon where she was majoring in musical theatre...i didn't, but every once in a while i wonder what if...). while we were doing it, i felt loved, i felt accepted, i felt like i mattered. and some of my bullies came to see the show as there were people from school at my church and some of them who really didn't do that much showed up for auditions and were in it (some of these being in the group of my bullies). my yearbook disappeared after someone had signed it and later was slipped back into my bag. i opened it in fear but found messages from some of them saying how good i was along with comments of how they admired my strength, etc. in May before graduation. but for that period when we were rehearsing and performing Godspell i was really, truly happy.

so what brought this memory on?

thanks to camp broadway, i had an opportunity to see the new revival of Godspell on tuesday night. i'd been "warned" (not really the right word but it'll do) that there were some score changes and updates. there are a couple of new songs, one that opens the show and one in act 2. the one at the beginning i'm really not sold on, but i don't hate it...it's just different. i spent part of it thinking "wow, this has really changed. a lot." but then i heard the horn blaring the familiar opening notes and "Prepare Ye" started. the memories started coming back then, but hit full force during "God Save The People" where I started crying in earnest. other moments that got me were "On the Willows" (ok, that's kind of tear-jerky anyway) - but that also made me almost laugh as it's staged very similarly to how we did it...only they all took their fair share of grape juice (or whatever they're using) so the last person to get the chalice didn't have to chug. i was the last and i always had to chug the whole thing because hardly anyone drank and we had to put it under the little stage so it had to be empty. clearly the woman caught in the act of adultery and "By My Side" had me flat-out sobbing. the new song in Act 2, "Beautiful City" definitely fits in more musically with the score - explicitly evidenced by its weaving in with "Long Live God" and "Prepare Ye" in the Finale. the more i'm thinking about it, the more i like the song...but i feel like i need to see the show at least one more time to really say for sure.

in some ways it was hard to get past the memories, but in others it wasn't that hard at all. the modern touches and updates fit right in, and the staging is wonderful. the cast is excellent, and the chemistry between them all is brilliant. the show does have a lottery for tickets for four pillow-covered areas around the stage, and there is interaction between them and the cast...but also between the whole audience and the cast. the staging in full theatre-in-the-round style is exactly what the show needs. (ok, i might be biased there as that's how we did it too.) how will the critics like it? i don't know. but i do know i love it. for more than one reason.

some people say they would love to go back to their high school days. for most of my high school, there's not enough money in the world to make me go back there. but if it was for that period of time when we were rehearsing and performing Godspell, i would go back in a heartbeat.

thanks to this cast and revival, i was able to in a way, minus the shit i knew i'd return to when i walked back into school. it helped me see how far i've come, and it made me appreciate that time - and the few friends i had who stuck by me - all the more.

if you're in new york while it's playing, i highly recommend you get your butt to Circle in the Square and go see Godspell.

Day 15

2011-10-20T05:41:00.002-04:00

What takes too long? Why?

hmmm...i'm not sure anything really takes too long in reality. it always seems like anything you're looking forward to takes forever to get here, just like christmas when you're a kid. but time doesn't slow down...it's just that we want something to happen RIGHT NOW so it feels like it takes too long. but if there's one thing marathon training has taught me, it's that the time it takes to do something right is almost always worth it.

Day 14

2011-10-10T19:36:00.002-04:00

What would you like others to do? Why?

going back to an earlier entry (not in this questions thing) i would like others to just be honest and up front. not to be fake nice when they first meet you and then change and ignore you for no reason. it's not cool and it doesn't help build confidence, especially when you're not overly comfortable socially anyway. i've been burned enough times now by people who seem to be friendly and nice but then once the new-shiny has worn off make me feel merely tolerated it takes me a while to warm up to anyone, even those who would genuinely like to be my friend. it's hard to know the difference early on.

Day 13

2011-10-09T16:15:00.002-04:00

What energizes you? Why?

overall i'm going to go with music for an answer to this question. all my life music has been an integral part of my life. choir, dance lessons, piano, band, singing, musicals, etc., etc. it's literally the heartbeat of my life. as a runner, it's definitely a challenge. i love music, and it's definitely energizing, but that's a trap when i am doing my running...it's energizing but there's the risk of the beat of the music forcing me into a pace that's too fast. still...i can't imagine my life without music in it.

Day 12

2011-10-05T21:54:00.003-04:00

What wears you out? Why?

as with so many of these i could go a lot of different directions with this one, and yet it's hard to figure out where to go exactly. but overall i'm going to say that there are certain people that dealing with them wears me out. umbridge being one of them. no matter what, it's just so much effort to interact with her i'm drained and exhausted afterwards. there are a few other people like that as well, so it's not just her.

yeah...that's what i'm going with.

Day 11

2011-09-23T21:47:00.002-04:00

What have you complained about recently? Why?

oh this could go so many ways...the difficulty of finding the "times square" earl of sandwich (hint: it's not in times square), the fucked-upness of the mta this evening, the rain tonight, the probably weather for next weekend's race, etc.

but i'm going with the one that really is irking me.

a lack of cultural understanding and a power trip. my boss - i'll call her umbridge (yes, THAT umbridge, and yes it fits) - was at my workplace monday and went on a rampage giving four of us "awards" as we jokingly called them and having "celebrations" with us each this afternoon. (and by "celebration" i mean disciplinary chat). she is - you can tell from the accent - born and bred here. i was raised in the south. at one point during my meeting, i responded "yes ma'am" as my upbringing taught me. it's showing respect to someone in a position above me. even my managers at my other job who are younger than me get "yes ma'am" or "yes sir" when necessary. it's a sign of respect where i'm from.

but up here, there are a lot of people who use it in a snippy, sarcastic way. and despite my tone being very respectful and conciliatory, she literally came out of her chair and screeched "DON'T MA'AM ME!" my chapter leader, who was with me in the meeting, motioned for me to not respond and potentially make things worse when she saw me tense up.

the end result was a verbal warning. the whole complaint issue umbridge had has already been resolved and i've worked with a colleague to find a solution. so it's really all good.

but it's annoying that she won't even acknowledge that culturally there are differences between a lot of us who work there in a small sense and in the world in a larger sense. just because some people use something in a snippy sarcastic way doesn't mean that everyone does. it's just annoying to be screeched at simply for doing something that's a part of who I am.

Day 10

2011-09-19T17:12:00.002-04:00

(clearly i'm failing on the daily thing)

What misunderstandings have you had recently? Why?

hmm...i'm not so sure it's a misunderstanding as just...annoying and irritating. it involves a co-worker who doesn't always do what she should but then wants to blame the rest of us when things aren't done. am i completely innocent? no. but neither is she.

Day 9

2011-09-17T13:43:00.003-04:00

Whom would you like to improve your relationship with? Why?

good question...i really can't think of anyone at the moment (hence why i didn't post yesterday). the people i get along with, i get along with. and the people i don't aren't really people i care to hang out with.

Day 8

2011-09-15T23:17:00.002-04:00

What would you like to do with the rest of your life? Why?

i'm actually pretty happy with what i'm doing right now. running. disney. to a degree teaching. if i could find a way to combine disney with something resembling teaching that would be ideal. i like helping people and i like spreading disney magic. so...

as long as i can keep running!

Day 7

2011-09-14T19:59:00.002-04:00

What makes you tense of anxious? Why?

evaluations. i've got a not-so-great history of evaluations going wrong, even when everything seems to be going right, so knowing i'm being evaluated and going in to conference about them makes me extremely tense and anxious.

Day 6

2011-09-13T21:27:00.004-04:00

What has made you angry recently? Why?

oh this one's definitely going longer than 37 words...

politics.

once upon a time, i was idealistic and involved with first my college and then my state's young democrats. i actively supported the clinton/gore ticket...both times. i worked on some state campaigns. i donated whenever i could. more recently i actively supported obama, even traveling to out-of-state rallies and campaigning.

maybe i was stupid and naive, but i actually believed in people and what they were saying they stood for.

i've been let down by leaders i supported more times than i care to think about. and i've been sadly unsurprised at a certain north carolina politician who turned out not to be the golden boy he acted for the media and everyone who saw him in public. and recently...if it's not scandal, it's politicians being politicians...forgetting who sent them into office and only playing politics. it's enough to make me want to quit bothering.

oh, in general elections i won't quit...i firmly believe we have a duty to participate in the system. and that if you are eligible and choose not to, you have no right to comment on the results.

today was a special election in at least some districts. honestly i'm not sure if it was in mine as i never received any kind of campaign propaganda from anyone. and yet walking past a school - a school which is NOT my voting location - today on my way to run, i was accosted on both sides of the limits for how close campaigners are allowed to get by people supporting a candidate i've never heard of. one idiot even tried to talk to me again on my way back from my run. i had had it at that point and said "if he'd bothered to campaign before today, maybe. but it's too late now." she said "he did." i said "really? not hard as i've never heard of him and i got nothing in the mail about him." she started to say something, but i cut her off with the solid fact that i'm not even assigned to that school. stupid as it's the closest to me. but there you are. at any rate, as i said, i don't know if there even was any election in my district or whatever as i literally go no campaign propaganda from anyone. so we'll see what happens in november.

the sad thing is, there's a politician i would have been 100% behind should she run for mayor...i want to still be because so far she has proven herself to be awesome and amazing...and even better than the current mayor when it came to a recent visit by Irene in terms of talking to the people through the press. but honestly? i've been burned so many times from putting my faith in someone i don't know that i can ever fully support any candidate again.

and that makes me both very sad and very angry.

Day 5

2011-09-13T21:25:00.002-04:00

What else would you like to get out of life? Why?

i sort of covered this earlier, but i would like to find someone with whom to share my life. other than that, i'm pretty content with things as they are.

Day 4

2011-09-11T14:10:00.001-04:00

What would you like to be able to do better? Why?

i would like to be able to better focus and organize my time and my life. i try and try, but it never sticks. i know it would help me in all aspects of life.

Day 3

2011-09-11T08:37:00.002-04:00

What do you wish would happen in your life? Why?

ultimately i would like to find a woman with whom i could share my life. i try to act ok alone, but it gets lonely. but finding someone is easier said than done - i'm not into bars, i don't really do silliness...it's just hard.

(note: i'm having internet issues, so these may not be posted every day...i'll do my best though.)

Day 2

2011-09-09T21:31:00.002-04:00

What would you like to have more money for? And why?

running. hands down. not only does it help keep me healthy, but gives me good "head" time where i can just let go and think or not. i love how it makes me feel! (well, most of the time.)

Day 1

2011-09-09T06:12:00.003-04:00

What would you like to have more time for? Why?

i'd like to have more time for writing. i have a couple of ideas in progress, but between my jobs and my training i don't have the time to devote to them. i know i need to make the time, but it's honestly hard to find it.

questions...

2011-09-07T20:54:00.002-04:00

about a month ago, my parents went to a senior adult ministries conference and attended a workshop by barbara bruce on ways to keep your brain fit. she gave them a list of 21 questions with the suggestion that you focus on one a day, and daddy sent them to me and my sister.

i know i've slacked off on this blog, but i thought this would be a good way to get back into it. her instructions are to try and answer in 37 or less words. i will try, but i suspect i'll go over the word allotment every day. we'll see though.

so tomorrow starts 21 days of questions!

buckle your seat belts and hang on!!

fitting in...or not

2011-05-28T18:59:00.003-04:00

i didn't fit in when i was growing up. i won't even pretend that i did. even in the group where i kind of fit - band - i really didn't fit in. i just...i'd almost say i'd test on the spectrum of asperger's if i were to be tested right now, knowing what i know now. socially i just have never had "it"...whatever "it" is.

didn't have "it" in college either. yeah, i had some friends, and i'm still in touch with some of them. but going out? hanging out? doing the spring break trips and stuff? didn't happen.

my mom tried to help - she said she never really fit in either. daddy tried to understand, but he just couldn't because he was really social in school. i even got sent to therapy when i was 12. my diagnosis? i was a 12 year old female (i kid you not). i had this idea that it would get easier as i got older, as i got into a life where i'm associating with people who share my interests in work and/or social things.

my first grad school was a little better, but a lot of that was the forced community. when you're living on a campus with less than 50 other people, you sort of have to be social. and yet i still managed to avoid a lot of social stuff. and don't even get me started on second grad school. that was a forced cohort, and there were a lot of hipster wannabes in there that there's no way i was cool enough to hang out with.

work... i mean, i get along with people at work, but they're just not people i feel drawn to hang out with. we have different interests and very different lives. and even the ones with whom i share some interest, i really wouldn't want to do something along those interests with them just because of the other things.

i'm in a running club. when i first joined it was good...i felt like a part of things even though i usually do all my runs alone. but more and more i just feel like i'm on the periphery at best, an almost mascot at worst. i watch other people come in and they're instantly part. part of it's because they're faster than me...but there's something else i can't put my finger on.

church is probably the best situation of all, but even there i'm not really sure how well i fit in. i try to be involved, and there's times i really feel like i fit in...but then there are other times when i just feel again like i'm a pest or in the way.

i smiled in the "it gets better" video i've been in and said that it does get better...but really i'm not honestly sure how much better. i mean, thank god i'm not and have never been at the point of thinking about killing myself, but it's not like growing up made my life magically better. i'm still so socially awkward and so much of a misfit it's not funny. i try to pretend that it doesn't matter, that i'm fine with it...but then things like holiday weekends will happen where people are all off to cookouts, beach parties, etc.

and i'm home in my apartment, all alone.

i wish i knew what the deal was...why i have so many problems socially. am i purposely holding myself back so i don't get hurt? i'm sure there's an element of that...losing your best friend to death at not quite 5 has to have some effect on the psyche. maybe i've decided it's just easier to close myself off than to get hurt by losing someone again?

only it's not easier. it's lonely.

and i don't know what to do about it.

Thoughts...

2011-03-03T20:49:00.001-05:00

I'm more and more at peace with my decision to NOT work summer school this year. It's nice to have that luxury and not NEED to work it. Yes the money has been nice and allowed me to do some special trips and stuff, but it's nothing I wouldn't be able to do anyway if I just save a little more every month. I'm looking forward to feeling more like a "normal" teacher, with a couple of months off.

Of course I won't just sit here and do nothing. I'm thinking I might just print off all of Coventry (my not-yet finished novel from NaNo a few years ago) and do the editing I know needs to be done (non-negotiable and kind of pointless to wait until a draft is done as I've changed the timing of a major event of the book so it's not AS tied to a major actual event as it is right now - and yes, I realize that if you know nothing about the book, that makes absolutely no sense) - not changing things that don't need to be changed yet but changing everything that relates to the timing. And now I'm being circular. Sorry. I also need to get the one character who'd been largely silent - and who is the primary reason it's not complete yet to talk. I'm thinking I may try doing a character sketch and NOT giving her a name and seeing what she tells me it is. It seems silly in a way, but perhaps my initial insistence that her name was Maggie may be part of the reason for her silence. At any rate, I DO want to finish it, and then see. More than one person has said it is a great premise, and as much as I may not have liked my fiction class this fall, the teacher was pretty encouraging about it and a possible future for it. And if nothing ever comes of it, I'd like to have the satisfaction of finishing it. July seems like a good month to do that and training!

Speaking of training... Leave it to me to have a weird knee that swells without hurting. Yeah. I had a great incline workout on Monday, then sometime Tuesday my knee puffed up and felt a little stiff. I've been doing the RICE thing, and today decided to go ahead and get in with a PT. So I've got an appointment next Thursday. I'm going to play the weekend by ear. It truly doesn't hurt, so I'm thinking I'll give Coogan's a try. And hopefully get some semblance of a run in on Saturday. We shall see.

I was at my chiropractor's today - on Saturday I torqued my back pulling on my compression tights because I'm talented that way. I mentioned my knee and he took a look at it. He said the fact that it doesn't hurt 99% means nothing's torn. He also said to let him know what the PT says, and when I'm in next week (Wednesday) if it's still swollen, to let them know up front and he might do some therapy on it. If I'd known he did some PT, I would have told them today, but I didn't know!

So we'll see. I would love to run Coogan's, but I also don't want to screw myself up for the NYC Half.

I love how my body was fine for the whole entire time I was training for the WDW Half and NOW it decides to be a pain. *headdesk*

Ah well... Time to get the frozen fried rice - aka my ice pack. :D

Random thoughts...

2011-02-27T20:25:00.001-05:00

Not sure I can do a coherent entry on anything right now, so bullet points!

* Not sure if I'm going to watch the Oscars. I should probably sleep some.

* Saw Billy Elliot today. Best I've seen it. And watching "Electricity" I realized it was also very much a way to describe a great (or even a good) run.

* I'm thinking I want to get my hair cut. But I don't really know what I want to do with it. I don't want it buzzed, but I can't have it flopping in my face while I'm running. So I have no idea. I never thought I'd say this, but after reading almost all of her book, I would LOVE to sit in Tabatha Coffey's chair and let her work her magic.

* Back to the Oscars...pulling for either The King's Speech or Black Swan for Best Picture. Pulling for Natalie Portman for Best Actress. Still confused as to how Annette Benning got the nomination over Julianne Moore. Annette was fine, but come on...anyone can play the "wronged spouse". It takes a lot more to play the one straying AND make it sympathetic and not caricatured ~ which Julianne pulled off beautifully. I'm sorry, but Julianne OWNED that movie (The Kids Are All Right).

* I have a half marathon in 3 weeks. And I'm feeling less than ready. Yikes! There may not be a taper this time.

* Finally finished The Witching Hour. Good lord that was one long, slow book. I've read longer books in a week, maybe two. This one took over a month. WAY too much detail IMHO. I think there should have been at least one other book before this one that actually covered all the back story. I realize I'm not a published writer, but we did discuss backstory and how much to reveal while I was in my writing class, and honestly it was so much it felt like a second book was inserted into the first. I'll give the other two in the series a chance (I bought them for the nook based on my liking the angel series books...or the first one...though that may be as much that it's NOT set in New Orleans which I just don't get all the hoohah about...cannot stand that place. And I knew I hated the vampire series...tried that one before), but I'm putting "fun" reads (those that don't feel like work to read) in between.

* I half think my chiropractor is practicing voodoo. Ha! But seriously...I get home from Italy and there's a "we haven't seen you in a while" postcard in the mail. And then Friday I get a voicemail saying they've been looking over the records and I haven't been in since December. (Is this a bad sign for the business? I didn't get a call the last time I didn't go for a while...) Then Saturday I was getting ready for the race, pulling on my compression tights, and pulled something in my mid-back. So yes, I'll call and leave a message tomorrow about getting an appointment ASAP. Crazy coincidence? Or something else?

Ok...enough rambling. For now. Haha!

Well, I'm back...

2011-02-25T18:21:00.001-05:00

Florence was AMAZING!!! I loved my time there so much and really wish I hadn't had to come back.

Pictures are in these three albums...

album 1
album 2
album3

Highlights:
* seeing David in person...soooo incredible!!!!
* The Best of Tuscany tour done by Walkabout! This was absolutely incredible!! It's a small company, and others have started trying to copy them...but this was the only one I saw that offered Siena, an organic lunch at a farm/vineyard, San Gimignano, AND Pisa! (The only slightly icky thing was that everything at Pisa was closing about the time we got there, and they had sold out of tickets up into the Tower, so that wasn't an option...but being there at sunset and seeing the light change on the buildings really was amazing.) Seriously - if you're ever in the area, do their tour!! The Best of Tuscany
* the food and wine. Clearly this is a duh kind of thing, but OMG it was amazing!!!

My hotel was great! My room was tiny, but I expected that and I'm not in the room that much anyway. The desk staff was amazing and helpful, and 9 times out of 10, they had my key waiting for me on the desk when I came up the stairs. (You left your key with them when you went out...and the front desk is on the second floor (by American numbering...1st by European as the Ground Floor is just that.)

The only "glitch" kind of things I encountered...
* the tour guide I had at the Uffizi was less than stellar (and so disappointing after the GREAT guy I had at the Accademia) - she was slow, forgetful (she'd lose track of where she was in her commentary and start over or just skip), and far more interested in telling us about the city and river than the art; apparently she does some of the city walking tours, and I guess forgot which one she was leading
* the cooking course was a bit of a disappointment - I'm glad I learned to cook/make the things I did, but as a solo traveler it wasn't my best choice...I ended up on a course with 18 college kids and their advisor and two moms of Russian descent with their two American-born daughters. I of course had to share a table with them...and they a) spoke Russian most of the time, leaving me completely out and b) ignored our instructor's instructions as to what he wanted each one of us to do and slowed us up because they wanted "the little ones" to do everything. I'm sure had I ended up with a group made up of other solo travelers or even some smaller groups it would have been fine, but I wouldn't do one of these again solo myself unless it specifically said it would only be small groups or solo people.
* slight moment of panic at Pisa Airport when I was able to check in...my flight from Rome wasn't showing up. Thank goodness I always carry my confirmations!!! She had to call her supervisor, and then ended up calling Alitalia's line that they use (at Pisa Airport there aren't designated airline counters...just a long counter and they assign the desks at the time they're needed). It worked out, but scary moment!! And of course I was on a flight with not one but TWO high school groups...what fun! /sarcasm

But overall would I do it again? In a heartbeat! I wish I was still there!!

In Italia!!

2011-02-20T03:39:00.001-05:00

Yay!! I'm in Italy now!!

I left after school on Friday. It was a crappy day with a more crappy observation, but I'm not thinking about that while on vacation!!

Linda drove me to the airport on her way home, and I got myself all checked in. Realized when I saw someone else's seat that I didn't have a window as I'd been told I would. SADFACE!!!! But it worked out...I was on the aisle in the center section, so I had room to stretch. Turns out had I asked one of the flight attendants, I probably could have moved to the window seat in my aisle behind me as there was no one in either of those seats - well, until the guy in front of me decided he didn't want to sit with his wife (they'd rather get up and lean over seats to talk to each other I guess) and moved over there. But I survived. I didn't do a lot of sleeping though because not being able to see out the window disoriented me a little and I'd feel weird when I closed my eyes. (The teen boys next to me would have woken me up laughing at Jackass The Movie anyway. The seats had individual TVs - and you could either do touch screen or use the remote (had to use the remote for some things) in your arm rest. Apparently the woman behind me (no, not a child) didn't get the memo about the remote as my seat was repeatedly pressed and pushed on. Finally I looked back at her and kindly and gently showed her the remote (this was after I figured out she wasn't just moving around to get comfortable.

Got to Rome and went through passport control ~ though the guy only looked at my ticket and passport and never stamped it. He seemed to be doing that to most, so I'm assuming it's ok. Went over to the terminal where my little commuter plane to Pisa was going to board. Figured out how to use the phones and attempted unsuccessfully at first to call the company running my tours to the museums today to confirm and verify meet-up time. Finally went over to a guy at a cheese kiosk (don't ask) and was the stupid American (he didn't say it...I did) and asked exactly what of the chain of numbers I needed to dial. Turns out I'd been dialing the international access code AND the code for Italy, neither of which were needed. D'oh. Finally got the tours confirmed. Then it was onto the little bus to take us to the commuter plane. I was sitting there and the bus was almost full when there was this BANG! and we all looked at each other like WTF?? Apparently either a tire blew or something in the engine blew (but didn't catch fire). So we all unloaded and they called for another bus to come and get us. Got onto the little plane (I DID have a window seat) and we were off for our very short flight to Pisa. I hadn't really realized how close Rome (or its airport) was to the Mediterranean, but we flew pretty much the whole time over it. We flew over islands and could see snow-covered Alps in the background. Beautiful.

Pisa's airport is tiny!! There was a customs guy there, but he was only pulling people randomly. So...no Italian stamp in my passport. BIZARRE!!!! Hopefully that won'y be a problem on my way back into the US! Went and found the little office for the bus I'd booked and they moved me up to the 12noon bus rather than the 12:45 bus. No problem! I grabbed a Coca-Cola Light (diet Coke) and what we'd call a stuffed pizza, ate that, then got on the bus and we drove into Florence!

I found the hotel pretty easily and got checked into my tiny room on the third floor. I'm not complaining. I knew I'd booked the tiny category. :D I'm not going to be in here that much anyway. The bathroom is absurdly small, even for a tiny room. I have to climb over the toilet to get into and out of the shower! Still, it's a very nice little European hotel!

I changed and chilled for a few minutes, then went out to wander around. I'm saving going to things for today and beyond. I tried to find Vivoli for some gelato (there are places everywhere, but I'd been recommended Vivoli), but failed. It's now marked on my map for another day (maybe today!) though. I wandered around for a couple of hours, then came back towards the hotel. Got a panini and Coke Light in a little "snack shop" and came back to the hotel. I uploaded the pics I'd taken already, found Scooby Doo on television (Scooby Snacks translates the same), took a hot shower, and was in bed and out before 7. But I made it to the night - well, evening anyway.

Woke up around 5:30 this morning - go me getting around 11 hours of sleep! - and read for a little while. At 7, when my wake-up call came, I went out for a run. I was going to do an hour, but with the added fun of cobblestones, I only did 30 minutes. It'll be ok. I'm going to get plenty of walking and mileage in this week!! Came back and showered WITH shampoo this time, then got dressed and had breakfast with my first Italian cappuccino! :D (The hotel has a little continental breakfast.)

I'll head out in a little while for the guided tours of the Accademia and the Uffizi. Yay!!!

Here are my pictures so far - I'll be adding on and if necessary will make a new album too. http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=337709&id=642326320&l=accd09ba31

Yay Italy!!

Getting excited!!!

2011-02-13T19:46:00.001-05:00

This time next week I will be in Florence, Italy!!!!

I leave Friday night - I'll go to the airport immediately after school and take off a couple of hours later!! I fly into Rome, where I'll change planes and fly to Pisa. From there I'll take a bus to Florence.

Things already planned include:
~ guided tours to the Accademia and the Uffizi (I'm doing this on Sunday so that if I WANT to go back to either, I've got days left to do so)
~ a day-long tour that will take me to Siena (I better have time to go to Catherine's house, that's all I'm saying!! The description says there will be time to "wander the streets or sit at a cafe", so I'm hoping that means I'll have time to go the just over 500 meters or so from the Duomo di Siena to Catherine's house. Honestly? If it means I have to not sty as long in the Duomo so be it. Going to Catherine's house is that important to me.), a "delicious organic lunch" in a vineyard, a tour of the little village of San Gimignano, a drive through Chianti, and a final stop in Pisa before returning to Florence
~ A Tuscan cooking course on Wednesday night (I figured that would be a fun way to close the trip...and a way to guarantee I'll have a good meal in case I've spent all my money on gifties and things). The description on expedia is: "This culinary experience reveals the secrets of Tuscan and Florentine cuisine and makes cooking fun. Over two hours of cooking, your skilled chef not only relates the origin of the traditional dishes you prepare but also recommends suitable wines to accompany your dishes. Then, reap the benefits of your work with a sumptuous dinner of your prepared dishes." Whee!!

I'll have Tuesday and Wednesday on my own to tour around Florence and see things I want to see. My thinking is on Saturday afternoon, I'll do the open-top bus tour (weather permitting of course) to get the lay of the land so to speak (and also help with the jetlag thing as that will keep me from staying in the room and falling asleep).

Thursday morning, I'll jump on the bus back to Pisa to fly to Rome, change planes, and fly back home.

I've been reading the reviews on tripadvisor.com about my hotel - Hotel Globus - and the vast majority - and ALL the recent ones - are amazingly positive (It has 4.5 of 5 dots!! And it's #50 of 489 hotels tripadvisor lists in Florence!!)!! I've also been looking on the hotel's website, and I should be able to check in periodically!! They're doing a free WiFi "event" right now, so I just have to ask at the front desk!! (Guess this means I'm definitely hitting J&R to get the necessary plugs and converters!)

I'm excited!! I'm also a little terrified! For all my bravado about traveling by myself, I've only ever done it in places where English is the native language. This will be my first foray into a place where I speak only a little of the native language. Hopefully I'll be able to speak enough that I will endear myself to people and they'll take pity on me. :D

I can't believe it's this close!!!

10 Days of Me Day 10

2011-02-10T22:19:00.000-05:00

DAY 10: Final 10 words

Well, I could be really literal and just pick 10 words. Or I could do something of my own choosing.

I'm choosing to go with the latter. And so my final 10 will be 10 of my favorite books. :D (Random order.)

1. The Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown. Seriously, I love this book!! Relatable, believable characters in honest situations... Fantastic!!
2. Room by Emma Donoghue. One of the best books I've ever read. Legit!
3. Conversations With The Fat Girl by Liza Palmer. Great read! All of Liza's books are really good reads!
4. Through Thick and Thin by Alison Pace. I love all of Alison's books, but this one's probably my favorite!
5. Take This Bread: A Radical Conversion by Sara Miles. Wonderful, honest and inspiring book.
6. Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen. And not just because Sarah was a high school classmate of mine. Her books are magical in a wonderful way - truly a dream you don't want to wake from. This one is especially wonderful.
7. Best Friends Forever by Jennifer Weiner. Another author I love - all the books have something. This one just hit me differently than the others.
8. Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson. Going to childhood...this book really helped me get in touch with my emotions surrounding the death of my best friend just before i turned 5. One of those definitely life-changing books.
9. Marathoning for Mortals by Jon Bingham and Jenny Hadfield. Undoubtedly the book that has had the biggest impact on my life.
10. Like Me by Chely Wright. In so many ways, like reading my own story. Clearly there are differences. But still... Great!

10 Days of Me Day 9

2011-02-09T19:36:00.000-05:00

Day 9: 10 ways to win your heart

1. Be honest with me. I hate being lied to.
2. Love me, love my bird. Or at least tolerate him! :P Actually loving animals in general will get you there.
3. Have a great smile.
4. Read. Preferably something more than labels or a newspaper.
5. Be artsy - or at least not culturally idiotic.
6. Be active! I'd love to be able to share my running/working out with someone on a regular basis!
7. Be spiritual, or at least open to it. Mocking me for my beliefs is going to get you nowhere but out of my life.
8. Have a great laugh. Not too loud, not too squeaky, and not one that sounds like you inhaled a noisemaker. Nah, I'm not picky at all.
9. Love - or at least like - all-things Disney. The thought of going the rest of my life without going to Disney - or going there with someone who is going to whine and fuss and hate on it all the time? Not happening. (And yes, that was one of several dealbreakers in a relationship I had.)
10. Know that my family is important to me, and understand that. Beach Week is a really big deal to us. And hopefully it will be to you too! :D

DAY 10: Final 10 words

10 Days of Me Day 8

2011-02-08T20:36:00.001-05:00

Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs

Narrowing this down to 10 will be hard...and I'm not putting them in any order. So there...

1. "Edelweiss" from The Sound of Music. How can I hate a song that was one of my lullabies when I was a little thing? Seriously, I love it for its simplicity and beauty.
2. "Sunday" from Sunday in the Park with George. The harmonies in this make me cry EVERY TIME I hear it - in the best possible way. Simply perfection.
3. "Picket Fences" by Chely Wright. I remember when I first heard it, relating to it in a really powerful way. Now I know why - I have since...well, officially said out loud, July 10, 2005. And now I have to wonder if it's how Chely relates to it and has.
4. "I've Been". Tom Kitt's original (NOT next to normal) version. Love!
5. St. Patrick's Breastplate. Tough to sing/follow, but gorgeous words.
6. "Travelin Soldier" by the Dixie Chicks. It reminds me of amazing youth ministry times in the Diocese of Chicago. I miss those times and those people SOOOOOOOOOO much. Especially on days like today.
7. "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. Pure beauty. Pure love.
8. "Move On". Another from Sunday In The Park With George. I'm going specifically with the version by Marin Mazzie and Jason Danielly. Perfection with the perfect blend of voices. And another one that's perfectly appropriate and tear-inducing for today.
9. "Closer to Fine" by Indigo Girls. Wonderful memories of college all wrapped up in this one.
10. "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell though I'm specifically thinking of the version by Big Yellow Taxi on A Tribute to Joni Mitchell. It will always and forever remind me of The Vertical Hour and therefore will always make me smile.

There are any number of other songs that could have made this list, and on another day they might have.

There are other songs that I'm sure several of you thought would be on here for sure that may be conspicuous in their absence. And that conspicuousness may not be coincidence. Just saying.

But for what it's worth, this is my list of 10 today.

DAY 9: 10 ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

10 Days of Me Day 7

2011-02-07T18:26:00.001-05:00

DAY 7: 10 important people

1. My dad. What else is there to say? I've always been Daddy's Little Girl and he's uber important to me.
2. My sister. I don't say it often enough, but I totally love her and don't know what I'd do if I didn't have her.
3. My mom. We don't always get along, but she means the world to me.
4. Doris ~ aka Mom2. She helped see me through some really tough times, and I love her for that.
5. Dr. Matthews. He always encouraged me, no matter what.
6. Liz. She gave me the space I needed to heal and grow.
7. Darlene. Another one who believed in and supported me when no one else did.
8. Pam. For loving me unconditionally.
9. This may be cheating, but all my Front Runners teammates for pushing me to be better than I thought I could be.
10. Someone who shall go unnamed for teaching me to really only trust in myself and no one else.

(Honestly? That was a lot harder than I thought it would be.)

Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
DAY 9: 10 ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

10 Days of Me Day 6

2011-02-06T19:01:00.000-05:00

DAY 6: 10 Things you can't live without

1. Running! (Or at least some form of exercise!) - Who would have imagined I'd say THAT this time last year??
2. Family
3. Friends
4. Music
5. Books/my nook - but as long as there are dead tree books I could live
6. My phone - sad but true.
7. Chocolate
8. diet Coke - I keep trying to kick the habit...but I'm limiting better now.
9. Red Wine - LOVE...in moderation of course
10. Nyquil - ok, this is time-specific, but I'd say overall for combatting colds I wouldn't want to live without it.

DAY 7: 10 important people
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
DAY 9: 10 ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

10 Days of Me Day 5

2011-02-05T20:27:00.000-05:00

DAY 5: 10 wishes

1. world peace. (probably could go without saying, but I'm saying it anyway)
2. someone to spend my life with
3. to see the Great Wall of China
4. to visit Australia and New Zealand
5. to live in a loft in the Village
6. to have a dog
7. happiness
8. love
9. health for family and friends
10. a true sense of purpose

DAY 6: 10 Things you can't live without
DAY 7: 10 important people
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
DAY 9: 10 ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

10 Days of Me Day 4

2011-02-04T17:53:00.001-05:00

DAY 4: 10 Things you want to say to one person

1. Thank you!
2. You're adorable.
3. Your support means more than I could ever say in words.
4. I love that you seem to understand me.
5. I wish we could talk more, but I'm shy.
6. I hate that you're thinking of moving away.
7. I'd love to be as free as you are.
8. We should grab coffee or something sometime.
9. It was great to see you the other day.
10. I'm glad I met you.

DAY 5: 10 wishes
DAY 6: 10 Things you can't live without
DAY 7: 10 important people
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
DAY 9: 10 ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

10 Days of Me Day 3

2011-02-03T20:38:00.001-05:00

DAY 3: 10 Things you hate

Setting aside the fact that I really try NOT to hate...it does say "things"...

1. homophobia
2. fundamentalism of ANY kind
3. the death penalty
4. pedophiles
5. smoking
6. people who deliberately hurt animals (and yes, that includes hunting)
7. racism
8. fish (as in eating...I've tried it...not pretty)
9. mayonnaise
10. this decision I have to make between working summer school and having money or taking the summer off and being able to go to the beach

DAY 4: 10 Things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: 10 wishes
DAY 6: 10 Things you can't live without
DAY 7: 10 important people
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
DAY 9: 10 ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

10 Days of Me Day 2

2011-02-02T19:36:00.001-05:00

DAY 2: 10 Things you love

(in no particular order)
1. My family
2. Running
3. Music
4. Red wine
5. The beach - specifically Ocean Isle Beach, NC
6. Penguins
7. My friends
8. Chocolate
9. Traveling
10. Books

DAY 3: 10 Things you hate
DAY 4: 10 Things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: 10 wishes
DAY 6: 10 Things you can't live without
DAY 7: 10 important people
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
DAY 9: 10 ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

Changing it up.

2011-02-01T20:19:00.002-05:00

I'm clearly failing at the 30 Days Challenge for writing anyway. Well, I'm not so sure it's failing as it is I'm just not blown away by the topics. There are a few I may put in my "pocket" to pull out, but a lot of the ones coming up I just don't feel like I've got an answer for, and I don't want to rant like on the last one.

So trying a different approach... This meme was ganked from my friend Helen

DAY 1: 10 Things About Me! (random order)

1. My first job was at McDonalds.
2. I played trombone from 6th grade all the way through high school graduation.
3. I am highly phobic of wolves.
4. I just ran my first half marathon at Walt Disney World – 1/8/2011, time 2:47:38.
5. I love penguins – and have even before I learned I am one when it comes to running.
6. I was a total geek in school and cried when I got my first C – on an English paper in college.
7. I worked in Estes Park, CO for two summers in college, and if I could figure out a way to work and live there full-time, I probably would jump at it.
8. The first movie I ever saw was “Bambi”.
9. My favorite place on earth is Ocean Isle Beach, NC early in the morning before the beach gets crowded.
10. My favorite perfume (and really the only one I wear) is Laila.

DAY 2: 10 Things you love
DAY 3: 10 Things you hate
DAY 4: 10 Things you want to say to one person
DAY 5: 10 wishes
DAY 6: 10 Things you can’t live without
DAY 7: 10 important people
Day 8: 10 of your favorite songs
DAY 9: 10 ways to win your heart
DAY 10: Final 10 words

And this is why I tend to hate romance movies...

2011-01-27T19:26:00.002-05:00

Prepare yourself for a rant with the topic in today's 30 Day Challenge: Someone who has made your life worth living.

Are you kidding me? This is a serious question?

The only person who ever should make your life worth living is YOU. Plain and simple.

Quite simply, it's not fair to put that pressure on anyone else - the whole "you complete me" or "you make my life worth living" or "my life was pointless until I met you" or (god forbid) "you had me at hello" or any number of other cheesy rom-com cliches. I don't care whether it's your significant other or your child or your parent - by giving them that responsibility (which you do the moment you tell them any of those cliches) you are giving them a job. And odds are they already have one - even if in the case of kids it's *gasp* being a child!!!!

I watch some of these shows on television - Intervention, Obsessed, even Hoarders - and while not in 100% of them, there is a common theme in a lot of the loss of someone the focus of the show made the center of their universe and who "made their life worth living".

Please don't misunderstand. I'm not anti-relationship. I'm anti-uber co-dependent relationships where one person totally loses themselves in someone else, thus giving that person far too much responsibility for the "OMG YOU ARE MY LIFE" person's life.

You are ultimately the only one responsible for your happiness.

I suspect there are a lot of failed relationships that would have fared better had both parties understood this and not depended on someone to "complete" them or allowed themselves to "complete" someone else. You are complete in and of yourself. Anyone else who comes into your circle on an equal footing is cake!

/rant

I have a bucket list?

2011-01-26T19:31:00.003-05:00

The next topic in the 30 Day Challenge (where I'm clearly just doing 30 topics and failing at the daily thing) is...

Discuss some of the things on your bucket list.

I had to take a few days to think about this one. Because really? Honestly? I have never made a bucket list. I try to live each day to the fullest, and never really sat down and said "I want to...before I die."

So I did over the past couple of days. Started with some of the things I've said I'd like to do someday (so I guess I had one, I just never attached "before I die" to the items) and then looked at where I am now and a few more things popped up. It's basically two categories with another thing or two thrown in.

Category 1: Travel - places I'd like to visit/things I'd like to do
* raft/camp the Grand Canyon
* China
* New Zealand and Australia
* safari in Kenya and/or South Africa
* Tibet
* India
* Alaska (Sarah Palin not withstanding)
* Machu Picchu
* Yosemite and Yellowstone
* Rome, Venice, Milan - basically everywhere in Italy I won't hit on my upcoming trip to Florence
All of these places are places which have at some time captured my imagination, and I want to visit them.

Category 2: Races - which in some cases also have travel to new locales involved as well
* NYC Marathon - this WILL happen in 2012!!
* Chicago Marathon - I used to live in the Chicago area and it would be cool
* London Marathon - Hello? London!
* Paris Marathon - to be tied in with visiting Paris and greater France
* Athens Marathon - tied in with visiting Greece
* The Gore Tex Trans Rockies Run3 - seems SOOOOOO cool, and I love Colorado
* Comrades - while I'm shooting for massive distance things, put this on the "I'd love to do it someday" list
Once upon a time, races, especially marathons, multi-day events, and ultras would never have been anywhere near being on my "Someday I want to..." list. Then I discovered running. And a whole new book of my life started!

And yes, there is a conspicuous lack of "Boston Marathon" on there. For some reason it just doesn't appeal to me. Maybe one day it will go on there. We'll see.

I'm also not including my upcoming half marathons or other Disney Events because those will be done. So I guess I should take NYC off, but I'll just be consistent in my inconsistency. Ha!

Oh, and I discovered really only one thing that doesn't really fall into either of those categories.

* learn to SCUBA dive and go SCUBA diving
This one could present its own challenge. See, I tend to freak out if I'm under water for too long. Largely stems from being jumped on off of a diving board and knocked back to the bottom of the pool when I was about to break the surface. So I'm not sure how I'd react, even with a breathing apparatus in my mouth. But it's something I'd love to do someday.

So there you have it. Call it a bucket list if you want. I'll just keep calling it my "Someday I want to..." list!

Ch- Ch- Ch- Changes

2011-01-20T19:32:00.003-05:00

Today's topic in the 30 Day Writing Challenge...

Something you hope to change about yourself and why.

I want to stop sabotaging myself.

You'd think training for and finishing a half marathon would have taken care of that impulse. And it started to. I know that I can set my mind to things and finish them.

I just have to make myself do it.

I don't really know why I do things - or don't do things - that have the potential of messing things up for me majorly. Why I'm afraid to succeed. But i need to get over that fear and make myself more afraid of failing than I am of succeeding.

Because I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to have to start over at almost 40. I WANT to be successful at what I've chosen to do with my life. I really do.

It's not just my profession where I do this. It's my half-finished play I was encouraged to start and I've been told has great potential. It's the novel that I'm about 2/3 or the way done with that people have told me is definitely a sellable idea and a book that they'd read. It wouldn't be that hard to finish them up. And yet they sit unfinished, untouched.

So I really need to figure out why I'm so afraid to be good at what I do and then just let myself be good at it.

Like with running. I'm good at that. And somehow I wasn't afraid of failing then. I trained, I'd done the work, I knew in my heart I could go the distance. And I trusted myself and my training. And I succeeded.

I need to transfer that lesson to life. Quickly.

Compliments...

2011-01-19T21:05:00.002-05:00

Today's 30 day challenge topic...

Something about which people seem to compliment you.

Hmm. There are a few options for this one... Maybe I'll just name a couple.

* My determination. This one has been given a lot lately with my running and weight loss program I've had myself on. But it also appeared a lot in my high school senior year yearbook. Remember back in April when I wrote the post about bullying? Yeah...seems that a lot of the people in my class who'd been the biggest perpetrators admired my determination. Weird, huh?

* My eyes. I'll admit it, my eyes are probably one of my favorite features. So I love it when I get compliments on them.

* That I look younger than I am. I am constantly assumed to be a lot younger than I am. I was blessed with good genes. Thanks Daddy!!

And this last one I'll only mention because of the person who most floored me when he said it...

* My singing. I've always sung, but I never had any formal training. One Sunday, the musical director of a touring production - who happened to be the brother of a friend of mine - sat in front of me in church. After the service, he turned around and said "Ok, that was you I heard." (He'd asked me earlier and I pointed to someone else.) "Where did you train?" I mean, wow.

It is really ard to talk about things that you're complimented on because it sounds like you're bragging. Really, I'm not. I think I'm just starting to really own some of the things I've heard all my life.

We are the champions...

2011-01-18T19:43:00.002-05:00

From the 30 Day Writing Challenge, today's topic is...

Something at which you've been a champion or the best.

Let's take a little memory trip back to the end of 5th grade. We were all invited over to the junior high school band room to try out different instruments to see what we wanted to play in band - if we wanted to be in band. Which I did.

My friend Louanna had taught me the first five notes of the concert Bb scale on the clarinet, and my father - who had played clarinet in his high school band - was really pushing hard for that instrument. But I wanted something different.

I wanted the oboe.

I have no clue how I had settled my mind on the oboe, but I had. That was all I wanted to try. So Mr. Harwell got one of the school-owned oboes out and handed me a reed, showing me how to wet it and how to hold my mouth to make the reed sound. I did everything he showed me to do and tried my hardest.

Nothing came out.

I sucked on the reed again and tried even harder.

Nothing.

Ok, so time to try something else. I looked around at my options, purposely ignoring the clarinet. My eyes fell on a drum kit.

My dad saw my gaze and promptly nixed that idea.

To be honest, I was about to ask about a clarinet. And then Daddy said it. "Why don't you try a nice girl instrument like flute or clarinet?"

GIRL INSTRUMENT? What????? My mind flared against that idea. But rather than go into how sexist that concept was - I might have been in gifted classes, but I wasn't quite capable of that argument yet - I took another tack.

"Do you have any idea how hard it will be to make first chair if I'm playing one of those? Everyone plays those!"

Now...I have no clue where the whole first chair thing had come from. Both the idea of first chair and what that meant as well as how hard it would be on the more "popular" instruments. I must have heard it somewhere - maybe Louanna. My only musical experience at that point was church choir and school chorus, where we didn't have "chairs". I knew a little about principal dancers from my dance lessons - enough to know I would never be one. But somehow this idea of being first chair had planted itself in my head and wasn't letting go.

So my dad asked me what I wanted to try next. I looked around the room at my options and my eyes fell on it. It was shiny. It was long. It looked like fun.

"That," I said, pointing to the new object of my desire. "The trombone."

My dad sighed. "Are you sure you don't want to try something else?"

Nope. I was sure. I tried it, and though it was heavy, I was determined. That was my instrument of choice.

My dad tried one other argument. Weren't my arms too short? Mr. Harwell explained that in most cases I wouldn't have to hit 7th position, but on the occasions I did, there were tricks and techniques I could learn.

I smiled triumphantly as we went over to complete the rental agreement on my starter trombone. I would have the basic model to start with. Then if I stuck with it (my dad's words, especially the "if") we would see about upgrading me.

Well, I stuck with it. And I was first chair in 6th, 7th, 9th, and 12th grades. Every year Jimmy Whitehead wasn't in school with me. I made All-District and got to audition for All-State (didn't make it by like 1 or 2 points...and that crushed me!). And I made Governor's School. Spent the summer in Laurinburg, NC where my "major" was instrumental music.

For the longest time, I was going to major in music and be a middle school band director. But somewhere along the line things changed and I decided against that. And the trombone - by that point we'd upgraded me to a King KG-2102...a VERY nice model - became a part of my history, a part of who I was.

I don't miss it a lot, but every once in a while - usually when I'm at a Broadway show where the trombones have a killer section - I think about my trombone days and wonder "What if...?" and think about the time when I was the best at something.

And sometimes...sometimes I miss it.

Happiness is...

2011-01-17T19:27:00.002-05:00

Today's topic in the 30 Day Challenge is...

Something that excites you and fills you with joy.

The answer I'm going to give here is something I would never have dreamed of a year ago. Honestly, I'm still a bit surprised that it's my answer at all. And yet, it is.

Running and working out.

I can't really tell you what clicked in April, but over Spring Break I went to Chicago to visit old friends, and something did. When I came back, I committed myself to getting in shape. And for once I followed through.

It all started with Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred. I did it for 30 days in a row. I didn't want to do it every day, especially during Level 2, but I did. And somewhere along the line I started looking forward to doing it. Or if not looking forward to doing it, at least knowing I couldn't really NOT do it.

After, I tried some of her other DVDs, but it was a bit tougher to do something every day. The desire was still there, but the discipline wasn't as strong. Hard to explain really. But throughout all of this I'd made some good connections on twitter who also were doing or had done the 30 Day Shred.

I knew a lot of them ran, and a seed got planted into my head. Only I never thought i could run. I'd had asthma as a child, and never really was able to run. And then I heard the magic words: Couch to 5K.

I started the program on July 1, 2010. And set a goal of running the Komen Race for the Cure on September 12 - that would let me finish out the program and have a couple more weeks to work on things.

And I did it! Along with another 5K the week before. In fact, it's at that race where the seeds of me as a runner really were planted.

You see, a couple of my twitter friends were running the Disneyland Half Marathon on that same day, and getting the Coast to Coast medal. And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it. And before I really knew what was going on or had time to stop myself, I was signed up for the Walt Disney World Half Marathon.

Along the way, I grabbed a copy of John Bigham and Coach Jenny Hadfield's book Marathoning for Mortals and planned out my training. They've both been great resources through the process - Coach Jenny especially!

I joined Front Runners New York and have gotten involved in the club.

I joined New York Road Runners and have been running some races already with them and will be running at least 9 of their races this year and volunteering for at least 1 to have guaranteed entry into the 2012 NYC Marathon.

Somewhere along the line I truly became a runner. And I can't imagine my life without running in it. I feel anxious and edgy when I can't run.

Today has been exhibit A in that regard. I'm in a reverse taper where I'm on "active rest" - so no running today. And all I've wanted to do is run. The person I was back before April would never have felt like this.

I'm a runner. And running and working out brings me so much happiness and joy - it has truly made me a different person. And I am so thankful for it and for all who have helped me and encouraged me along the way - and continue to do so.

Life's a balancing act

2011-01-15T20:46:00.002-05:00

More from the 30 day challenge.

Today's topic: Something in life that gives you balance.

Looking ahead at future topics, it could be very easy to fall into using the same thing for a lot of the answers. I'm going to try really hard not to do that. Because it would get boring VERY quickly. So as much as I'd like to use running for this answer, I'm not going to.

I'll go with a different answer that would be trite if it wasn't so true for me.

My faith/spirituality.

I'm not saying "church" because while I do like my church, I'm not dependent on it for balance. I like to go when I can, but it doesn't throw my week off if I don't go.

But if I don't take some time to center myself, some quiet time to meditate, to reflect, to refocus...then I get out of balance and feel off. And yes, often that time comes while I'm running or doing yoga. But not always. Sometimes it's those quiet moments just before I drop off to sleep, or those quiet moments when I wake up just before the alarm goes off. Sometimes it's when I'm in the shower, hot water pouring over my body. Sometimes it's in the laughter of the children I work with. The beauty of a sunset.

You get the idea.

My faith/spirituality has always been a part of my life. And without it, I do get out of balance.

The patterns of life

2011-01-14T22:21:00.002-05:00

Today's topic in the 30 Day Challenge is "Something that is part of your routine that you enjoy."

I had to think about this one for a while. I don't really have a set routine in spite of having a pretty regular schedule Monday through Friday. Yeah, I get up about the same time every day, and I generally do similar things in getting ready for work. But not necessarily in the same order every day.

I go the same way to get to work, but sometimes I take the bus and sometimes I walk to the subway. No real pattern to it. Ditto when I come home.

To really find a routine, I need to look at the entire week for the pattern that exists there. And it's only been in the last 15 weeks or so that there's been a pattern there. Only since I took on training for half marathon. That training process put an order and a pattern to my life. I've come to rely on that routine: run Monday, cross-train Tuesday, rest Wednesday, run Thursday, cross-train Friday, run Saturday, rest Sunday. There's a rhythm and a dance to it.

Since I was tapering and then this week recovering that routine hasn't been there, and it's been a little weird. I'm ready to start back, even if I have to start slow. I'll be back into the training pattern until March 20, when I have another half marathon. And then there will be seven weeks before I'll be officially on a training plan again.

It will be interesting to see what happens then. I suspect my workouts will follow much the same pattern, but we'll see.

So maybe it's not exactly what the topic intended, but for me, my weekly workout routine is what's given me structure and helped me become the person I am now.

Struggles...

2011-01-13T19:45:00.003-05:00

After a short break for the Walt Disney World Half Marathon and some recovery, I'm back into the 30 Day Writing Challenge.

Today's topic... "Something with which you struggle"

One thing I've found about myself in the past is I seem to be almost afraid to succeed. I know it sounds weird, but I feel like I have always, as soon as I'm right on the verge of really doing something right, doing - or not doing - something that sabotages me.

Like at school... I'll be in a situation where I'm happy, where I feel supported and like I'm doing well. But I'll neglect to do something that ends up getting me into trouble. And I know I need to do it...I just can't make myself do it.

So follow-through has always been an issue for me.

Has.

That's the operative word.

Because I can no longer say I ALWAYS fall short of my goal or of success. I can no longer say I always do something to screw myself up.

Because I HAVE FINISHED A HALF MARATHON!!!

I set a goal for myself to run the Walt Disney World Half Marathon. I got a book and read it. I set my training plan and stuck to it. I only missed a couple of runs because of overuse injuries - but I learned stretches to help prevent those in the future.

And I did it! I finished a half marathon. In under 3 hours!

I finished something I started, and I didn't sabotage myself!!!

So I know I can do what I set my mind to. I just have to make myself buckle down and apply what I've learned about myself to the rest of my life.

Somehow I think that'll be easier said than done. But I'm confident I can do it!

(And in a more mundane area, I struggle with keeping my apartment and space at work clean and organized. I know I'm an off-the-chart P on the Myers-Briggs Scale, but it's a little ridiculous. Must work on this!)

Forget regret...

2011-01-05T16:40:00.002-05:00

Continuing with the 30 Day Writing Challenge...

Day 02: Something you regret not having done last year.

Honestly, I try to never have regrets about things. To me, regretting something means that you learned nothing from the situation/event; that there was nothing of value in it at all.

I don't mean to be all Pollyanna about it. Are there things I would rather not have done? Sure. BUT I learned something from every one of those things!

But for the purpose of this...

I'll go with deciding to change the class I was taking with Gotham Writer's Workshop. I knew I was going to do Fiction Writing and take a little break from Playwriting. I'd signed up for one class, but looking at my schedule, decided closer to the start date to change nights, which meant changing teachers.

I don't know what I would have ended up with had I stayed on my original night, but what I ended up with by moving was a teacher who to me felt like he was a little disappointed and disgruntled with his own writing and career and was basically marking time until he got a little more inspired for the book he was working on.

I didn't want to go to class. I didn't really want to share my stuff with the class. It did more to turn me off of writing than even all the weirdness of the NaNo obsession did. Honestly, I have no enthusiasm or energy for writing now.

So I guess I'd say that changing nights and classes for my writing class is about as close to me saying I regret doing something as I'll get.

New Year, New Start

2011-01-04T21:00:00.002-05:00

All right... Time to get more serious about this blog. That means posting more regularly. I just discovered The 30 Day Writing Challenge and have decided to take it on.

Because of previous commitments, I may take a couple of days off - but then the creators of the challenge are taking some days off as well. And rather than trying to double up, I'll just start with Day 1 now. So...

Day 01: Something you're looking forward to this year.

There are several things I'm looking forward to this year...

I'm looking forward to completing my first half marathon! Even a year ago, I would have thought you were crazy if you'd told me I'd be about to run-walk - or let's be honest, even walk - a half marathon. The whole training process has made me a totally different person to who I was before. And I like the person I'm getting to know now!

I'm looking forward to going to Florence, Italy in February! I took Italian for fun in college, and have wanted to go to Italy ever since. Initially I'd thought I'd go to Rome first, but then seeing the play Restoration totally made me want to go to Florence. It will be the trip of a lifetime.

This may seem weird to some people, but I'm looking forward to turning 40. I don't really feel 39 as it is, so I don't think 40 will be that bad. Plus, with my new outlook on health and fitness, I think things are only going to get better.

I'm looking forward to the possibilities the year presents. There are things I'm not sure of yet. There's the possibility of doing a full marathon. There's the challenge of races yet unknown. There is always the possibility of a relationship. There are friendships to be made and adventures to be had.

Overall? I'm looking forward to seeing what 2011 brings!

another heartbreak

2010-10-23T06:28:00.003-04:00

i was on my way to a fundraiser/party yesterday when i read some devastating news on twitter... the chapel at the seminary i attended was on fire.

as soon as i read that, i knew it would be bad. the chapel was old and mostly wood. it would be a tinderbox.

and it was.

these are some pictures that were posted to the web. they aren't mine, but i hope the photographer won't mind me sharing the link.

this is the article in the Washington Post.

as of this typing, the cause of the fire is unknown.

looking at the pictures and reading about the fire has me reflecting on my own experience at virginia theological seminary and in that chapel. how i was formed, stretched, and allowed to grow while there. how it saw me through happy times, heartbreaking times...times of fear and times of joy. i made lifelong friends in the chapel, and i was forever and irrevocably changed in that chapel.

at my current parish, i've heard a lot lately about the fire that claimed the old building...the devastation and the loss and then the rebirth. i listened to the stories and thought i could understand how everyone felt then. now i know i understand.

my heart is broken right now.

but i know that like a phoenix, the chapel will rise again from the ashes. the ministry will go on.

i am so thankful for the chapel at virginia theological seminary - for all it taught me, for how it shaped me because of the people there who pushed me to do things i didn't think i would be able to do...and made me a stronger person because of it.

maybe we can't be ok; but maybe we're tough, and we'll try anyway

2010-09-26T17:57:00.002-04:00

today has been rough. emotionally rough.

maybe i should have tried lotto-ing or lotto-losering a show tonight, but i'm also really tired, so...no. but the emotional release would have been good.

see, one of the priests at my church...today was her last day with us. we had a big party last saturday to celebrate her, and that was awesome and amazing and really celebratory.

reality set in today.

as soon as i looked at the hymns, i knew i was not getting through the service without crying. i managed to hold it together loosely until her sermon. it was a lot of remembrances and stuff. and then she said she was going to close with a poem. as soon as she said "by Rilke" my gut clenched. and sure enough...she read the one i knew she was going to as soon as she said Rilke.

"God speaks to each of us as he makes us,
then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are words we dimly hear:
You, sent out beyond your recall,
go to the limits of your longing.
Embody me.

Flare up like flame
and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousnes.

Give me your hand."

i've used it myself before at a leave-taking. and it was used for me at a leave-taking. and it makes me cry every time.

i purposely didn't go find my best friend at the peace because i knew he would be a wreck, and i was a wreck, and if we'd seen each other then it would have been all over.

i managed to pull it back together until communion. then, rather than having two priests with the patens, only liz had the paten so she could give the bread to everyone there. i was really struggling with holding it together, and failed miserably when she placed the bread in my hand and squeezed my fingers until i looked at her. i could barely chew and swallow.

i'm going to miss her so much. because of some things in my history, i've been really...not so trusting of the church i guess you'd say. no, nothing like THAT. just some...well, it related to jobs and stuff... it was really hard for me to feel safe and at home in a church. and liz has helped me do that where i am. i've slowly gotten more involved - when i was hugging her good-bye, she said it's been great to see me get more involved.

it's going to be different now. i'm not sure about stuff. i know the last thing she'd want is for me or anyone else to stop going. and i don't think i will...i've made some connections through my recent involvements...and have made some good friends... but i'd be lying if i said it's not going to be hard...really hard.

good-byes suck. big time.

"...and nothing is harder than learning a friend isn't real..."

2010-08-30T22:24:00.002-04:00

this is essentially an "open" letter to someone i had considered a friend. i say essentially because i have no sure way of letting her know it's here, and i have no real way to get in touch with her - at least not a way that i trust. she's moved from the address i have for her, and for various reasons i'm not comfortable sending her a message on facebook. so basically i'm just getting this out.

if the person it's directed towards happens to read this, you know how to get in touch with me...

i guess i should start by saying i'm sorry...though honestly i'm not sure what i did wrong. i never said anything against you to anyone. i have done nothing but support you - i haven't been vocal about it for about six months or so (when all this started...or seemed to), but i never joined the "condemn her" chorus even with the controversy about your use of a certain word.

i've wracked my brain trying to figure out what i could have done, and all i can figure is i was stupid and befriended the wrong person and didn't see through her motives. so for that, i can honestly apologize. i was fooled by her too. i thought she really wanted to be my friend. it was only when it was too late that i realized she was using me to get inside. and i can assure you that i did not know anything about what she was doing with him until well after the party. and if i had, i would have let her have it - which is probably why she never came right out and told me. did i know meetings had taken place? yes, but i was stupid enough to believe her when she said it was innocent. so for introducing her into the whole thing, i do truly apologize.

mutual friends - or people who i thought were your friends too - who are familiar with everything have tried and tried to convince me that it's not my fault in any way, shape or form. and i believe them. well, i believe them until i see you and how you act towards me now. and then i can't help but feel like you blame me for it all.

it started that one time when i was with someone else and we were waiting to talk to you. you were taking your time with the people you were talking to at the time, in no rush at all. and then you looked over and saw us - or it really felt like more specifically me - and suddenly you had to go and just rushed off. i never said anything about it - i never had a chance to say anything about it - but that hurt. the person i was with didn't think anything of it - but she doesn't know the whole story.

and after that, any time we've had a chance to possibly talk, you either vanish or it's so brief it's ridiculous. the last time i talked to you and mentioned that i was starting to run, your response was "oh that'll be good for you". that's not the response i would have gotten once upon a time before everything happened. i didn't expect a huge party, but some interest would have been nice. i mean, you're the one who's called us "friends" and introduced me to people as "my friend".

and i see how you are with other people, with the new shiny ones who are around. don't you realize i'm friends with them and see things on facebook and twitter? i hear their conversations about you? about the things you've done with them and said to them? someone else who knows you pretty well has told me they think i'm reading too much into things, but how else should i read a lack of communication?

i wasn't going to come to any of the things you have going on right now. but then one of the new shinies had an extra ticket and asked if i wanted to come along. i had nothing planned, and she knew it. how could i gracefully get out of it? i couldn't, and so i came. at one point, you looked towards me and said my full name, but was that directed at me or the person behind me? i didn't know. yes, i saw you meet my eyes before something i'd said meant so much to me, but given everything i didn't and don't know if it was just random or on purpose. and then you took off before i could talk to you - before any of us could talk to you. you'd stayed the night before. was i the reason you left? while it may be egotistical to think that, i can't help but wonder with everything else that's gone on.

back in february when i was on vacation, i spent a lot of time trying to find something to bring back for you. something that was just right. i was failing miserably, and then realized from all the excitement of one of the new shinies over interaction she'd had with you that it wouldn't mean anything if i did bring something back, so i stopped bothering and tried to pretend like i didn't care. but my heart was still broken, and i still did care. far too much.

hell, i even wrote a monologue for a possible play at some point - a collection of monologues that would be tied together with a common theme. i doubt it'll even happen. but it pretty much sums everything up, so i'll put it here. not that you'll ever read it...

"I wish I could hate you. I wish I could make myself stop giving a shit how you’re feeling, what you’re going through. I wish I could stop making myself give a flying fuck whether you like me or not, whether I’ve done something wrong, what I can do differently, if you even care.

I remember back when I first met you, how scared I was. I’d admired you from afar for so long, that to finally meet you...it was a dream come true. Even then, I was fine with just talking to you for that brief moment. But then you made it more. You talked to me about my life, about what I was doing. You talked to a mutual fried about me. She told me how you talked about me.

You called me your friend. You gave me advice. You greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the cheeks when I saw you. Once you even talked with everyone else around before coming over to me - so your attention wouldn’t be divided you told me.

I remember the first present I gave you. How it came about from other conversations we’d had. How excited you were to open it and how you squealed when you saw what it was. I remember how excited you were to show me what you’d done with it, and to tell me about other things you’d done with it.

Remember how excited you always seemed to see me? How you’d come straight to me, no matter who else was around? How you had me help you with some things no one else was allowed to help with?

When you were working out of town and I came to visit you, it was cool. You got my attention on the street. We laughed about how scatterbrained I can be. Then later that night, you shared something with me that isn’t something you share with just anyone, and definitely not with just a casual acquaintance. It seemed like we crossed some kind of boundary.

And then it went further. I remember seeing you not too long after Halloween, and you were very concerned as to why I hadn’t been at your party. You didn’t realize you didn’t have my email address on your list. You seemed to genuinely feel bad about it. But then nothing ever seemed to come of it.

Then you had another job out of town. I went to see you again. I tried not to listen to the voices in my head, the voices of warning when I heard about other things going on. When I saw what was happening with other people. I chose to listen to other friends, people who have known you for years, when they told me you loved me a lot.

I loved you so much - still do. As a friend of course. And I thought it was mutual. I believed them...I believed you.

I was a damn fool."

i was a damn fool.

and i'm so, so sorry.

new title, new focus...or not

2010-08-28T00:32:00.002-04:00

if you've seen eat, pray, love, you probably get the new title of the blog. if you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and go see it!!

i had avoided going for a while because i'm really not a julia roberts fan, and find that she can usually ruin a movie no matter how good the potential is. especially when i saw an interview with her where she was talking about the person she's portraying as a CHARACTER when she's a real person...i definitely had my doubts.

but i can happily report that the impact and the message of the movie rises above the actress and is still a beautiful experience. so yay!

my first exposure to the book was a few years ago when my yoga instructor read a section of it at the beginning of class (not uncommon at this studio - most classes start with a reading or meditation), and it was one of those moments when what she read (i'm not sure where my copy of the book is right now, and it's late so i'm being lazy and not going hunting for it) was exactly what i needed to hear at that moment. i literally almost started crying in class. i went to the bookstore on my way home and bought the book, devouring it in a couple of days. it's been a frequent re-read, though lately i've let myself get away from it.

and now having reconnected with it via the movie, i realize how much i still have to learn about balance and life. so tomorrow i will definitely be finding it and re-reading it. i need to take it slow and as one of our prayers in the book of common prayer says "read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest" it.

don't worry. i'm not going to drop out of life for a year. i couldn't afford to even if i wanted to. but i do have some things that are on my list...

*re-make yoga a part of my life
i went to a studio several times a week a couple of years ago. with some financial issues, i stopped going and stopped my practice all together. thanks to a workout dvd, i'm re-learning the practice, and i love it. but i'm missing the community that was at the studio. so i'm looking into what i can do to get back there. i'm thinking i'll get a class card and limit myself to once or twice a week. if i do a 10-class card i can go twice a week for a little over a month or once a week for two months with two two-class weeks. and they have a special right now, so...

*really do some soul searching about what i want to be doing
i teach. i've thought teaching was what i was supposed to do, and i still kind of do. but then people in administrative and/or coaching positions will say something like "do you think this is really for you?" and that really makes me question myself. i am also pretty famous for setting myself up for failure - like i'm scared of success. you'd think i'd learn, but so far i haven't. and that's not just in my work but in other ventures. like writing...which leads me to my next list item

*actually finish the novel-in-progress and play-in-progress
i've had this novel in progress since nanowrimo 2007 that a lot of people have said sounds amazing and really publishable. and it has sat unfinished since december 1, 2007. i've used the excuse that one of the characters hasn't really opened up to me, so her section of the story is lacking. but in reality it's a crutch. ok, it's true that she hasn't really opened up to me, but if i'm honest, i'm not sure i've really tried to listen to her. well, no more. i'm taking a fiction writing class starting in october, and while we'll basically be writing short stories, that will actually work for me to let this character speak. i hope.
and then there's the play. again, people have said it's got great potential. my playwriting teacher even said i was almost the love child of two playwrights i admire so much. and i've let myself get stuck on trying to fix the things that were critiqued in class before i actually finish the play. i need to make myself just finish it and then worry about polishing it up.

*go to italy
ok, this one could be perceived as coming from the book/movie, but it's really not. i took italian my senior year of college "for fun" and fell in love with the language, the culture, the country. and actually this list item will be crossed off in february when i go to florence!! i'm going on my own and cannot wait!!

i'm beginning to think that finding a therapist might not be a bad idea. i mean, i don't think i need medication - i don't think i'm depressed or anything. a bit scattered...there might be some truth to what the therapist the clergy at the church i worked which wasn't a good theological match paid for me to go see when i resigned with mutual agreement said when she asked if i'd ever been tested for ADD. i haven't, but knowing what i know, it wouldn't surprise me if i do have a degree of it. i just wonder if having someone to be a sounding board - someone who isn't a friend or relative - might not be a good idea. i have a physical scheduled for october, so perhaps i'll ask my doctor about it and if there's anyone he (she? i got assigned to a new doctor i haven't met yet and they have the wonderfully neutral name of terry) would recommend. actually i think the clinic i go to has psychotherapists on staff. i don't know...maybe the mindset of the city is wearing on me...it seems like everyone has a therapist of some kind. but at least a couple of sessions might be good. worst case i'll be told i'm "a 39 year old female", which would just echo the "12 year old female" diagnosis back when my dad decided i needed to go to therapy when i was 12 and puberty hit hard. so...we shall see.

and now i'm rambling. and since it's 1am, i'll stop rambling and go to bed. seems like sleep might be a good thing too!

starting fresh!

2010-08-01T20:31:00.004-04:00

i almost feel like i should wipe out everything on here and start over. but i won't. i'll leave it to remind me of where i started and what i was thinking at the time.

but.

i am newly inspired to break out the notebooks, the first draft files, and the word documents and just WRITE again. i'm feeling the need to create!!

why you may ask? one word.

lilith!

i went to lilith fair yesterday, and god it was so inspiring. sarah mclachlan was talking during her set about how inspired she got just from being around all the other artists on the tour, and i can totally understand that! i'm itching to get back to my play, to get back to the novel i started a few years ago during nanowrimo - the one everyone was so enthusiastic about and that i love, i only really have to get one more character talking (through another character really) and the rest of it's almost to completed first draft stage, to start thinking about something to write for this year's nanowrimo even if i'm not going to be all "rah rah my region!" this year because of all the crap last year.

basically just to CREATE!!!!

so this is essentially a thank you to all the women yesterday. jill hennessy, sara bareilles, suzanne vega, and especially amy ray and emily sailers (aka indigo girls) and the woman who made it all happen, sarah mclachlan. thank you for waking up the creative spark in me!!!

i <3

been a while...

2010-05-18T20:08:00.002-04:00

...sorry about that. i didn't mean to be away from this for so long. lots has been going on in my life - but not a lot of writing. :( i've been focusing on exercising and trying to eat right, and generally i feel like i've gotten a good start. the food thing has slipped back a little this week, but i'm determined and am just going to work at getting better.

also some interpersonal stuff. i'm not good at confronting things as they come up. and lately a relationship - friendship only - was way out of control. like, the person was making a lot of assumptions about when they could stay, what they could move around (put it this way...my ipod has been missing for the better part of a month, and the person knew it was missing but never said anything...i found it sunday in a pile the person had created and moved around), and even that they could buy things to furnish my apartment. and no, the person claims there was no romantic intention, so... i definitely felt uncomfortable as not only am i not into the opposite sex, even if i was this person is so far from what i would look for they're not even in the same universe. thankfully there was a form of intervention from my landlord as said person had been staying a lot and basically needed to go on the lease - which was NOT going to happen. so he left last...wednesday i think it was. and in spite of him saying we'd still interact, it's been clear since then that's not going to happen. which actually? fine with me. i've *felt* lighter since he left. and it's shown - a friend at church even commented how much happier and more at peace i seemed...and he had not a clue that anything was going on interpersonal-wise. so that whole situation has taken some time as well. but it's over and i'm moving on with people i truly know and truly love and truly trust.

and finally? i've slacked on the writing. not just a little. a lot. like, i haven't looked at my play since i read through the critiques from my last class. i ended up dropping the fiction 1 class for this term because of money. but the plus side is that i've now got that much money as a credit, so in the fall i will have that much less to pay. :) i've decided not to take a summer class because after summer school, i'll be going home for a week, and that would mean missing at least one class, and i don't want to do that. something about when i'm paying for it, unless i'm really really sick, i don't want to miss a class. so in the fall... and after this weekend, i really think i'm going to do playwriting again. yes, i do have most of a novel written that i would like to finish and edit and think about submitting...but my playwriting fire has been relit.

so what happened this weekend? simple.

i saw Claudia Shear's new play Restoration.

and much like when i first saw David Hare's The Vertical Hour or more recently John Logan's RED something inside of me shifted. possibly moreso with Restoration than with the others, because the style of Restoration is much along the lines of how i write.

it's not overly heavy on any hidden symbolism, and definitely not overly heavy on subtext. yes, there is a journey and a discovery or two along the way, but it's not all hidden in layers you have to hope your audience will understand. and it's excellent.

and so it's time for me to reopen Final Draft, read over what i have written of my play, and work on writing more of it. i did learn in class that "impulse writing" can be a good thing for me, and i definitely plan to do that. it's writing without really thinking about it...just going with an image or a character and writing. i figure i'll do some of those and then see where they fit in, if they fit in, and then worry about fishtailing everything together in an order that makes sense.

i'm excited!!

so basically? the theme of my life right now seems to be summed up in this:

always we begin again!

well...

2010-04-10T21:00:00.000-04:00

i heard back from one of the short story contests i entered.

i didn't make it to the read aloud stage.

:(

oh well. not gonna stop me writing.

thoughts on bullying

2010-04-06T12:20:00.002-04:00

this post has been a while coming. i've been thinking about it since i first heard about Phoebe Prince's story. if you've been under a rock or in a cave, Phoebe committed suicide after facing extreme bullying at the hands of her classmates. from what has been learned, it seems that it largely started because she was the pretty new girl in school and one of the football players was interested in her. a football player that one of the girls who was one of the chief tormentors was interested in. sadly, bullying is something that isn't unusual. don't get me wrong, i am in no way saying it's ok. but it's too easy to turn a blind eye to it. and that's what the teachers and administrators did in this case. from all reports, the adults at the school were well aware of the bullying, but for whatever reason, they opted to do nothing about it. and that is simply not right.

bullying is never ok. it is never just "kids being kids". it's actually not even just kids. it was bad enough back when it was "just" a case of someone being shut in a locker or having their lunch money stolen. "just" is in quotes because those things are bad enough. it was bed enough when bullying would take the form of a note passed around school. or a three-way call or fake party where two people are targeted and one, unaware of the presence of the other is forced to say horrible things about the other in an attempt to fit in. or a phone tree of sorts meant that within a couple of days someone could go from having friends to being the school outcast and never know why. those were all bad enough. but now in the electronic age, someone can find themselves having friends in homeroom and be shunned by lunchtime all thanks to one "well-sent" text message. social networking sites such as facebook, myspace and twitter add to the possibility of immediate and incessant bullying. in fact, Phoebe's tormentors even carried their hate to her memorial page on facebook!

absurd.

i know all too well what it's like to be bullied. as a teen i was visibly bullied from 8th grade through high school graduation. if i faced any before that it was less obvious. in 8th grade, the two middle schools in my city merged into a junior high. in 10th grade, we went to the high school where we were joined by students from the private schools as they went to 8th or 9th grade but no further. i can still remember the day in 8th grade when i was at someone i considered a friend's roller skating birthday party. i was in the bathroom, in a stall. i stayed in much longer than intended after i heard the birthday girl come in with one of her friends as the friend asked "what's [insert my name] doing here anyway?" and the birthday girl respond "my mother made me invite her because her dad's on a committee with my mom." ouch. i remember in 9th grade my english teacher had us keep journals. he was supportive, and so i opened up in my journal more than i had to anyone else (including the shrink i'd been sent to in 7th grade...diagnosis: 12 year old girl. go me.). i had somehow become the designated pickee by the "in crowd". i'm really not sure why, other than my best friend was hearing-impaired and the child of a single mom who had her at 16; or that my father worked in the church so we didn't have a lot of money; or that i actually liked school and band; or they just threw a dart at pictures from the yearbook and i was hit. who knows why bullies pick their targets. the targets rarely know what if anything they've done. but my torture began then. during another class, my journal was stolen. i searched and searched for it to no avail. a few days later, it suddenly appeared in my stuff. but those who took it had read it and left comments in it in red ink. this was before the days of liquid paper that was thick enough to cover colored ink, so even attempting it meant the words were still visible but in pink. a science project notebook was stolen from my locker the day before it was due. the journal and other things continued to disappear and reappear, read and commented upon. in high school, i was placed into a class that was usually not open to sophomores and as a result allowed into psychology which was also not typically open to sophomores. the first class was alright, but psychology was sheer hell. i had a couple of friends in the class from church, but they sat by and did nothing as others, including churchmates, threw spitballs and even gum into my hair. the teacher was oblivious. i remember going to the bandroom in tears after school one friday when i was supposed to leave for an audition that evening and sitting on the floor of his office as he gently worked at the gum tangled in my hair. i don't know what if anything he did about it beyond try to comfort me. junior year i wasn't aware of anything too out of the ordinary. that's horrible to say: "oh nothing new happened so i dealt" but it's how i looked at it. my senior year, we has an exchange student from france stay with us. it lasted a month. we were not rich enough for her, and my parents weren't permissive enough for her, so she left and went to another family in another school district. the popular crowd of course had adored her, so i was even more outcast among my peers.

as i listened to the reports about Phoebe's story, i couldn't help but think how if i was in high school today i would likely be in her shoes and might have even resorted to suicide. i had a break when i wasn't in school. without the computer and its networking sites in front of me, i didn't have to face bullying outside of school. i didn't have the healthiest coping mechanism, but i survived. i didn't injure myself or anything visible, but what i did still should have been evidence to my teachers that something wasn't right. in short? at the end of 8th grade, i was in the top 20 in my class. at high school graduation, i was top 3. anyone who knows anything about the grading system in this country knows that it is so hard to bring a gpa up to that degree without doing something like i did - isolate myself with my books. yes, to a degree there were people who slacked off, but i did choose to isolate myself with my books and with my music. i was able to shut the door on the bullies by going into my own world.

but in our world today you can't just shut the door on them. the internet is such a part of our lives, especially for students. to live without it puts one at a severe disadvantage when living in a world with those who use it. and so it's hard to escape. even as an adult, i've dealt with being bullied on various message board and community sites. i'm not naming them. but the internet provides a degree of anonymity (anything from boards where you create a user name and no one has to know your real name to sites that will have things called "anonymous posts" where you don't have to identify yourself at all) that apparently makes people feel like they can pick on whomever they choose. usually it does stem from jealousy. the person being bullied has something or does something that others want, and so in herd-like mentality all of a sudden one or two people are singled out as the victim. and that's happened to me lately, even the day that the news broke about Phoebe. and it's all extremes. people can't simply be a fan of someone these days. the moment you say you like some famous figure you're a "stan" - a conglomeration of "stalker" and "fan". the moment you say someone is your friend, you've said you're "BFFs". it's all extremes and it's all false.

and the worst part is that nothing's being done about it anywhere. teachers and administrators turn blind eyes. moderators on website message boards and such allow things like anonymous posts to go on or allow attacks on some members while squelching them on others, even when multiple people have contacted them about the disparity. there need to be consequences, not only for those perpetrating the abuse but also for those who allow it openly or by simply turning a blind eye.

after 9/11 all over public transportation and on tv commercials you see and hear "if you see something, say something." that should apply to harassment and bullying as well. it has to stop. stories like Phoebe's should have to happen. i pray that some good will come of her tragedy and that this will open everyone's eyes to bullying and its consequences.

i wish i'd known Phoebe, that i could have given her some kind of a safe haven. i didn't. but i pray that wherever she is now she is at peace and that we will all learn something from her story.

bullying is wrong. period.

sometimes you have to be "selfish"

2010-03-27T17:45:00.002-04:00

normally i'm more than willing to help out friends with show lotteries*. power in numbers, karma points for future show lottery attempts, etc.

this week i helped some friends on tuesday with one. my name was pulled, so two of them got to go to the show. and then promptly got so excited they didn't bother to say thank you. i don't think it's petty to want at least a "thanks for helping!" when you make a trip to the theater, especially in weather, to try and help people. to be fair, one of them did thank me after the fact, but still.

i'd talked with another friend during the week and was going to help her and another friend with a show lottery tonight. i initially was happy to do it. then the weather turned cold. i've been inside all day and have been starting to feel wheezy. i do have a history of asthma from childhood though my records currently call it "reactive airway disease", and the cold can affect my breathing; especially when it's been a sudden temperature drop. allergies and such have been acting up as well, which makes it more pronounced (hence the "reactive airway" thing as it seems to mainly happen during an allergy flare). i really wasn't in the mood to get dressed and go into manhattan, but since i'd promised, i did get dressed and start in.

oh...i should add here that i need to refill my inhaler (because i don't use it that often it lasts a while, but it doesn't have a counter on it, so i don't know when i'm going to run out), but since my doctor didn't check the "generic" box when she faxed in my scrip, i have to get the name brand one until i can get in to see her (just found this out when i went to the pharmacy yesterday and asked about getting generic...and her office was closed) and that's a lot more even with insurance. so i need payday for that to be possible. and payday will happen when i'm in chicago this next week. and duane reade is an exclusively nyc pharmacy so i'll have to wait until i get back to get it refilled. anyway...i digress.

i was getting really wheezy by the time i got to the subway station. and i had to make a choice. did i go on in and risk a full-blown attack that could land me in the er or did i take care of myself so i'm not sick for my trip?

i should add that i really need this trip. things have been really weird with someone i thought was a friend - weird in a way that i don't understand. like contact cut off and awkward encounters weird. add to that a lot of emotional stuff both around that and just in general and add the stress of observations at work... and i need to see my friends in chicago. there are a lot of them, and the love me unconditionally. also? there is more than one or two people involved, so it's not like one person being weird will ruin it. emotionally i just need to be with them right now, no matter how much i generally love new york.

so i made the decision to be "selfish" and not go into manhattan.

thankfully my friends understood my decision and both told me to feel better. so i'm now at home drinking hot tea with lots of honey (one easy and palatable home remedy i've found if i catch it before the wheezing gets full-blown) and just chilling.

i'm already breathing easier.

*to explain a show lottery - some shows in nyc (and some tours) have a certain number of seats - usually front row, but sometimes boxes as well or instead) - that are sold by lottery. you enter your name and number of seats (no more than 2) and wait for the drawing. if your name is called, you win the right to purchase tickets at a huge reduction - usually in the realm of $25/ticket give or take a couple of dollars.

all good things must end, right?

2010-03-23T21:55:00.003-04:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about how something i used to love feels like it's just slipping away from me... and really? i kind of think i'm ok with that. it's a show...

it's very weird to say that - without tears even.

i'm not really sure when it started to happen...

i think i noticed it the last time i saw it when i was in the very last row and was so distracted by stuff going on that shouldn't have been while the show was going on. but honestly? it probably started to happen before that and i didn't even notice it.

it's weird...this had been such a part of my life for almost two years, and now? it's just not that big of a deal, which in a way is kind of sad. honestly? part of it is other people. not things other people have said about me, though i don't think anyone could blame me if that was it. but other people who are suddenly all about it. and flaunting it all over their profiles on other sites.

it's weird, right? you'd think i'd want other people to love it. and i do want other people to love it. and i know that other people loving it doesn't diminish its affect on me, but... it's hard to explain without sounding like the child who's just gotten a baby sibling at home and feels left out. but it's actually a pretty good analogy. the child isn't loved less and isn't any less a part of the family because of the new one. in fact, the child is in a way more a part of the family because the family has expanded. but the child is aware that something has changed, and she's not sure it's changed for the good.

does that make any sense?

i mean, it hurts...there's a little hole in my life. i'd grown to if not love then at least like the people involved - and more than one had called me a friend. and i miss them, but at the same time, i'm not suer i'm missed by them. in one case i think it may be seen as better that i'm not around...and that does hurt because it's not my fault.

so far it's not a huge deal. i can ignore the other people talking about it - stop getting their tweets sent to my phone, stay off their facebook pages, and so forth. i don't have to go around there and see it or people. but i have a feeling...well, there is the possibility that in the next couple of weeks it may come up in conversation with someone else - we've discussed it before - and i'm afraid that may be the moment when i fall apart over it.

it's like... i don't know if you've experienced this, but once upon a time i was dating a guy. we went on a road trip (this is actually now a requirement if a relationship i'm in gets serious...the road trip) to a mutual friend's wedding. and broke up while we were still there. i held it together all the way back to our school and was fine with things - after all i'd been the one who did the breaking up. let me rephrase. i was fine until a friend of mine asked me how the trip was. and then i fell apart.

i feel like i'm in a catch-22 with this probable discussion of it coming up. if i don't want to talk about it, she'll know something's up. and yet if we talk about it, i know i'll fall to pieces and i don't need to dump this in her lap. (i potentially already dumped enough there...but based on recent communications it's ok and we're just pretending that never happened)

so it's weird. i guess ideally i'd be able to go see it before the potential conversation, mourn the loss of what was, and be somewhat ok if the conversation takes place. but sadly there are other considerations that will keep that from happening. i don't know... i'm not sure that short of seeing it or talking about it i really can mourn it.

i just think this numbness/indifference is a dam that eventually is going to burst. i just want it to burst at the right time and place.

like i can control that.

just random - and possibly cryptic - thoughts

2010-03-20T19:52:00.003-04:00

* why do we let things bother us more than they should? or maybe it's just me. i know that i can be overly sensitive about things, but. i'm sorry, i can't help but feel completely rejected by what happened on sunday night. i'm not ultimately the one who made bad choices and decisions. yes, i trusted someone i shouldn't have, but that was it. i'm sorry things are shitty, but it's not my fault. several friends have been trying to tell me that for a while, and i'm finally believing it. it is NOT my fault. saying that is one thing. facing rejection like sunday night...that's another. not gonna lie...it hurt like hell.

* signed up for a fiction writing class. my preference would have been novel 1, but you have to take fiction 1 first to get used to their process for fiction. i'm seriously doubting that it'll be that different from playwriting, but i'll play their game. they want us to do short stories. i may...but there's nothing stopping me from turning in parts of the novel that's closest to finish. we'll jsut see what happens.

* i need to work more on my play. i have to turn in stuff on monday night. well, since i'll be emailing it i can technically take a few more days if necessary, but i WANT to do writing. i've got a great idea for the ending, which will involve a serious re-write of one of the scenes i gave them last time. but i need to have something with the guy character who hasn't made much of an appearance in my submitted sections. so we'll see what ends up coming out. after reading this speech i am totally inspired to write my ass off and work it!

* and that led to me feeling a lot better and that i at least didn't fuck up another friendship. the link led to communication with a friend, and it has pretty much more than made up for the aforementioned rejection by another person i'd called a friend. and anything that makes that help, it's definitely a good thing.

* i am loving this pretty weather, but it definitely makes trying to do the writing i want and need to do hard. so tomorrow i'm taking the laptop and hitting the park. woohoo!

shouldn't i know this by now?

2010-03-03T21:14:00.003-05:00

where this = what i want to be doing?

i mean, i'm well out of college. i've got not one but two masters degrees. both in areas i thought i wanted to pursue. but in both it feels like i inadvertently have shot myself in the foot.

well, maybe not so much with the first one. i did have passion for that in the first part of my first job in that field and the second job i had in that field. the third one it was more a case of me just getting into the situation and finding out it wasn't what was presented in the interview weekend and i couldn't be myself. and so i just sort of gave up.

and now this career move. (is it still a move when you're in your 4th year of doing it?) i thought i really loved it. i love the basic elements of it. but do i really love IT? i don't know. and yes...part of this is stemming from the environment. the previous three years it was feeling like my supervisor was just waiting for me to fail and looking for anything to make me do so. i switched locations and have a new supervisor, and while at first i was given some extra room to learn things since there were differences, it's like after the holidays i was expected to be perfect. and when you constantly have people who are ostensibly there to help you asking "is this really what you want to be doing?" it really makes you start questioning things.

i don't know if i should go back to the original thing and pursue it in other venues or stay with what i'm doing but look for another location and leadership team or...hell, i don't know...work at starbucks and try the writing thing - novels or plays. that's one hell of a blue bucket to pass.

the writing thing is a new world. i've entered two short story contests. i've got a pretty good beginning of a novel that i've been told (granted by amateurs) is potentially publishable - that going off the subject of it. well, actually two ideas - major issue being they're so different it will be hard to categorize myself in the literary world. i guess when i thought about writing before it was always in short stories or novels...

and then i started taking playwriting. and fell in love with it. i wasn't sure about my subject, how it would go over, especially in new york, but my classmates and teacher have been really supportive of me and it and very much interested in it. just this week, my teacher said i "clearly have a gift for writing honest, believable dialogue" and "interpersonal relationships, especially between sisters". i'm not as strong at intentional symbolism (i back into it and on reading it back go "ooh! symbolism!") or subtext (though i don't know that i buy that everything has to be/have subtext). this past week i anticipated not so great feedback as i'm sort of all over the place with it and gave them three disparate scenes - two of which aren't really finished yet. but they were all still really positive about it (well, other than one but he's coming from screenwriting, and tends to want everything to look like his plays i think). i've also got a couple of other ideas for plays in my head. i've got just over a week to get about 20 pages of something down to turn in. oh joy.

but still... this is feeling like a new world and one in which i could be comfortable. but i'm afraid to really let myself think it. i mean, i haven't even gotten feedback on the stories yet. but i guess in that "secret" putting it out there in the universe thing, i'm really seriously thinking about going to edinburgh during their fringe festival - largely because when i was looking at their website i happened to click on the part about submitting to the festival, and they strongly recommend attending at least once before submitting. and while i'm not there in terms of being ready to submit, i figure go and see it live and see if it really is something i want to pursue. so it is a potential new world. but a terrifying one in so many ways.

and once again... Liza Palmer so captures what i'm feeling. this time in "seeing me naked" (equally as good as if not better than "Conversations With The Fat Girl"...plus it's got recipes at the end i cannot wait to try!!). i don't identify as much with Elisabeth as i did with Maggie, but this passage...

"I know this is all exciting. I know it's as if I've been presented with the keys to a brand-new mansion and told that it was mine to keep. But it seems like I'm standing in the oversize foyer, not knowing where the light switches are, and not knowing the sounds of the house settling. The velvet cage I was so used to - however claustrophobic it was - I knew every nook and cranny of that life. In all of its fucked-up glory, it was mine. This - I don't know who I am in this new place."

(seriously...who knew i would be quoting fiction in a blog about real life?!?!? but i LOVE it!)

it's like...the job i have now to a degree, and definitely the one before...they are velvet cages. and this possibility of maybe doing something with writing? it's exciting and terrifying. and... i don't even know.

maybe that therapist i saw when i left the previous job (the one where we mutually parted ways because of the misrepresentation...they paid for it) wasn't too far off when she asked if i'd ever been tested for ADD. i'm normally not really all that pro-medication, but i seem to have a pattern...and an inability to really fully finish anything, just run to the shiny new. in a way. or just...not finish something or see it all the way through. i have to wonder if medication might help me...

i don't know... maybe i'll just go and cry myself to sleep.

...

2010-02-28T20:28:00.002-05:00

i hate feeling lost and confused.

even more, i hate when i can kind of pinpoint why, but it's something silly and stupid.

well, ok, maybe when you get down to the bottom of things, it's not silly and stupid. but on the surface... on the surface it's because i haven't seen something that's been a huge part of my life since 2008 in over a month. yes, a show. it's stupid to let that throw me into such a funk. it's *just* a show after all.

but really? it goes deeper than that. it's not just that i haven't seen the show; it's that i haven't seen people who, yes, have called me their friend (not the other way around). but more than just all of them, it's one in particular who i haven't heard from at all in over a month. not by any means.

and i don't know why. i don't know what i've done wrong. i just know it hurts.

and i shouldn't let it get to me when someone else gets all kinds of special words and things. but i do. and it hurts. it hurts badly.

i just... i just don't even know what to do. i wish i could just let go, but i can't. it means too much. they mean too much.

maybe that's the problem.

but beyond that...i really need to figure out what i'm doing with my life. yes, i should have done this long before now. it's pretty clear i'm not wanted where i am now. but can i find something else at another location? do i want to? i think so. but is thinking enough? and what would i do if i wasn't doing this?

ok, that's fairly easy. write.

but i mean, unless and until i am able to make money doing that. i can't make rent working at somewhere like starbucks. and i don't really have the skills to temp.

i'm so confused.

the other hurt is just adding to the cloud.

just chilling...

2010-02-26T21:47:00.005-05:00

sorry i haven't updated this lately. we had break from work/school and that entailed a trip with the family. lots of good reading time with the nook - gotta say, liza palmer's other books are just as good! :) check them out people!

i DID in fact enter the short story contest i was contemplating. it actually runs through the first part of september, so i've got time to work on more stories and submit them if i choose! i also entered another contest - same story, i checked the fine print and there was nothing in either saying i couldn't enter any other competitions. this one i'll know about a lot sooner. and it includes, if i make the semi-finals, the semi-terrifying addition of LIVE READINGS!!! eek! but...it's just another blue bucket. gotta pass them you know!!

also trying to work on my play. i get critiqued again in class this week. i'm a little more than slightly nervous this time because it's three really disparate scenes rather than something cohesive. i just couldn't get certin things to come together in my head. i almost didn't even turn stuff in from the primary play i'm working on.

i have another idea that has cropped up in my head, but it's nowhere near cohesive enough to even attempt to write a scene much less 20 or so pages. so that one was not an option.

and then there was...well...shit that had me in an emotional upheval towards the end of vacation. it's just...i get tired of feeling taken for granted and like nothing i've done matters but yet hearing how everything goes right for others, especially when they seem even more clingy than i am, and how they get all this special attention and stuff. and i get shit...like not even a hi on facebook. i know, i know. it's totally silly and stupid. but it really had me upset. so i started working on what will be this series of monologues - based around "i wish..." but with different kinds of wishes. i had about 4 monologues in varying states of development, but nothing to really tie them together at all. i figured that would be even more confusing than these three disparate scenes.

so the disparate scenes it became. and actually the third scene (which got turned in unfinished) does contain one of the monologues. so it tied in...a little.

we'll see how monday goes.

hopefully i can get some ore writing donw this weekend. i basically just need to chill, relax, and rest. and then hopefully things will come. be they stories, plays, or a novel idea for nanowrimo next year (which i will probably still do, but i many not participate in the regional stuff beause it really got excessive this year with all the "OMG YOU GUYS!!! HOW ARE THEY BEATING US??? WRITE WRITE WRITE!!!" crap. i don't do well with that kind of whiny peer pressure) - i just want to do some writing!

we can never go back to before...or can we?

2010-02-13T15:43:00.003-05:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about life, about how i deal with thing or don't deal with things. sometimes i think now that i'm afraid to succeed, afraid to be really happy. i do things that maybe aren't the smartest choice - or don't do things that maybe should be done. i don't know what's going on with that...in junior high and high school i climbed up from just outside of the top 20 in the class to somewhere in the top 5. i had to ask my freshman year college roommate what a grade on an english paper was when i got a C on my first ever college english paper. i'd never seen that grade on a paper in my life.

there's a lot that's true in Marianne Williamson's quote from "Reflections On A Course In Miracles" - "our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure". it can go hand in hand with that question "what would you do if you knew that you could not fail?" is it easier to settle for mediocrity, for being invisible? why is that? am i that afraid of rejection? or is it that i'm afraid of succeeding once and never living up to it again?

i got information about a short story contest a few days ago. i have a short story i could enter. it's only $10 to enter. and yet i hesitate. i mean, i don't know that i could win, but it's a first story in a long time. and so... and so i hesitate to enter it. but deep down, i wonder if it's really that i'm afraid i'm not good enough. could it be that i'm afraid i am...and then people will expect more where that came from? and i don't know if i've got more where that came from?

i don't know.

i'm taking the second level of a playwriting class right now. i've gotten good feedback and compliments on it. i keep writing it, keep working on it. but the weird thing is i have these visions of writing a play that gets noticed, that gets the reviews people dream of, that wins awards and more importantly touches hearts. and then...i have no idea beyond that. it's like i don't know if it will ever be finished because it's easier that way.

it's all well and good to do it once, but what then? what if you really are a one hit wonder?

i remember when i didn't used to think about stuff like this. in high school i sort of half-assed my way through an essay on...civil rights? human relations? something like that. it got submitted to a county-wide competition and i won...either second or third place. i never submitted another essay. earlier that same year, i was interviewed for and selected to be the school's representative to state HOBY that year. i never applied. a teacher nominated me. i never expressed any interest in school leadership, and yet i was selected over people who lived student government and who were massively into ROTC.

i did some drama at church and in children's theater when i was growing up. more than one person told me i should pursue it. a friend from a summer program tried to get me to visit her at carneige mellon to look at their music and theater programs...but i never went. i never pursued it. music was my life growing up. in 5th grade at instrument selection day, my dad encouraged a "girl" instrument like clarinet or flute, and i distinctly remember looking at him and saying "do you realize how hard it would be to be first chair if i did that?" and then choosing trombone. i went on to be first chair every year JW wasn't in school with me. i was damn good at it. and yet one summer with people who were as good as if not better than me and i just gave up.

when i was little, i had a very active imagination and fantasy life. all that came back to me this past week as i read a chick-lit book by Liza Palmer called "Conversations With The Fat Girl". the main character is so much like me in this being afraid to succeed she's holding herself back - putting off applying for an internship, avoiding her crush, letting a "friend" walk all over her. maggie recalls making a time machine in her room, spending hours lost in her imagination. i highlighted the bit that came afterwards...

I want that feeling of safety and freedom that came with those memories back. I don't want the new feelings of momentary happiness followed by insurmountable guilt that comes from reaching for food for comfort. I need to go back to the person I was at eight years old. She had it all figured out.

And in the next chapter...

I crave a life of freedom and passion - but I've sentenced myself to a life of quiet desperation and prime-time sitcoms. I've numbed myself, and it's going to hurt like a motherfucker when I wake up.

seriously this book could be about me. well, other than the fact that maggie's straight. ha.

One other quote from it...

Maybe I'm not working as hard as I should to lose weight. For the love of God, I'm not actually doing anything at all except obsessing about how shitty it is to be fat. How many epiphanies is it going to take to finally get me to do something? I get why I eat. I get why I stay this way. Now I have to decide if I want to continue living like this. Not because of this bitch calling me out tonight, but because of the way I'm living my life. Or rather, not living it.

because really? that's what i'm doing. i see me sabotaging myself. i see me choosing not to do things i should and doing things i shouldn't. i'll lose some weight and then just stop exercising. i'll put off working on the play. i'll hesitate to submit something to a contest. why? why is it easier to stay where i am? to do nothing?

i like to pretend i live by a couple of lines from David Hare's play "The Vertical Hour":

So what? We just give up? The rest of us just give up?

and

Because we have no other choice!

but in reality i'm chickenshit. i remember playing bionic woman and six-million dollar man with a friend during recess at school when i was in 1st and 2nd grade, running around, jumping off things like nothing mattered. i remember begging to audition for children's theater, being thrilled when i got a role my first time out.

and i remember being crushed when i wasn't selected for my second show. i also i remember not trying out after that. i sang along with showtunes all through my teen years, but never listened when people tried to tell my i'd done a good job. after college i had the musical director of a touring show ask me where i trained and tell me my voice was amazing. and i did nothing but brush it off.

why can't i be like that little girl who ran fearlessly around the playground? who sang her little heart out? i want to...but i'm not sure i know how.

i am the first to admit i wasn't the biggest fan of the musical "[title of show]", but one song in there hits home, especially when i start pondering all this shit. it's called "A Way Back To Then"...

Dancing in the backyard
Kool-aid moustache and butterfly wings
Hearing Andrea McArdle sing
From the hi-fi in the den
I've been waiting my whole life
To find a way back to then

I aimed for the sky
A nine-year-old can see so far
I'll conquer the world and be a star
I'll do it all by the time I'm ten
I would know that confidence
If I knew a way back to then

So I bailed on my hometown
And became a college theatre dork
I was eastbound and down
Moving to New York
So I crammed my life in a U-Haul
To find my part of it all

But the mundane sets in
We play by the rules
And plough through the days
The years take us miles away
From the time we wondered when
We'd find a way back to then

And when you least expect
Opportunity walks through the door
You suddenly connect
With the thing that you forgot
That you were looking for

And there you are
Right in the middle of what you love
With the craziest of company
You're having a kick-ass time
And being who you wanted to be in this world

You're that little girl
With her wings unfurled
Flying again
Back in your backyard dancing
I found a way back to then.

maybe i will enter that contest after all. maybe i'll win. maybe i won't. and maybe, just maybe, i'll be ok either way.

i want...

2010-01-27T21:35:00.002-05:00

ok, so i'm reading this book... "Begin with Yes" it's kind of self-helpish, but it seems better than dr. phil or the secret or that stuff. it's not really chapters...it's more Q&A sort of. the section i just finished had the instructions to get a piece of paper and write on it what i want to see happen in my personal life, my work life, and if so inclined my spiritual life. well...paper is SOOOO last century. so... i figure why not use this blog for the "assignments" in there. since this is all about me trying to understand me...it fits.

so... the things i want...

personal life
* to meet someone to share my life with; it doesn't HAVE to be marriage, doesn't even have to be living together, but some kind of companionship
* to truly, truly figure out what i want in my life
* to get my finances in order so i can breathe easily, or more easily anyway
* i want to be able to live in Manhattan - preferable the Village or Chelsea, but I'd take anywhere really
* to accomplish my goal of being a produced and/or published playwright or writer

work life
* to prove that i really can do it - both to myself and administration
* to figure out if what i'm doing is truly what i want to do, and if it's not, to figure out what i want to do...
NO!! I know what I want to do!! And here and now is the time and place to say it!
* i WANT to write. i want to write plays. i want to write novels. i want to be able to support myself by writing.

spiritual life
* i want to really figure out what i do believe and how to best express that; i've found a church i mostly like, but there are changes going on and i'm not as sure about them. i need to figure out exactly where i stand and where i need to be

so there you have it. the spiritual one seems pretty anti-climactic after the last work one, but whatever. they're all important.

now it's time to see what happens!

thoughts...

2010-01-24T17:05:00.002-05:00

why is it that some people get such a rush out of bullying others? it's like, they get off on making other people feel like shit. and there's often little to no reason for it.

it's not something that's just reserved for the playground when you're little kids. it continues into middle schools and high schools, and it's only exacerbated by technology such as cell phones, instant messaging, and social networking sites. from homeroom to second period, someone can go from being accepted to being an outcast; sometimes for something as simple as wearing a color someone doesn't like or someone's significant other looking at you, even without your knowledge.

in college it takes on anther form in the whole greek life system. kids parade themselves through house after house, willing to put up with whatever tasks they are assigned merely to belong. or think they belong. it's like the humiliation and the things that caused such trauma earlier in life are suddenly exactly what you need to feel validated.

but it doesn't stop in college. it continues even into adulthood and your career. it can take many forms. the boss who inadvertently or not so inadvertently makes a comment that sticks with you...and always makes it clear they don't think you can do what they ask you to do. it can be people you've never even met who decide that you're a "threat" based on interpretations...or even just things they hear and assume.

it gets even more "fun" when people choose to hide behind the anonymity of the internet to do so. takes real courage to call people names when you never have to see them doesn't it? at least on the playground the bullies are visible. at least they have some courage.

look, we know it happens. odds are we've all been bullied at one time or another. we're told the old adage "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me". but we know that's bullshit. names do hurt. accusations do hurt. they undermine our sense of self, any confidence we may have. they can make us question all that we know, no matter how many times we hear the opposite.

we like to think we've come so far up the evolutionary ladder, but yet it's still a pack mentality among humans. find the weaker, the more insecure, and play on those weaknesses and insecurities. does it make you feel better about yourself to do that? really?

i find that hard to believe.

trust

2010-01-13T21:20:00.003-05:00

trust. it's a funny thing. well, no, not funny. it's a delicate thing.

i've learned the hard way that trusting people can be a big mistake. because not everyone is as truthful and honest as i've always been. oh, not painfully honest like to the point of not even little white lies like "that haircut doesn't look that bad" or something. but with the big stuff - with the potentially life-altering stuff, if i give you my word, that's it. no questions asked. in sharing, i'm honest with you, and i expect the same.

and stupidly i expect people to abide by that same code. but sadly, not everyone does. twice in the past two years i've been stupid enough to trust people who have ended up hurting me and people i care about because i trusted them. the first time thankfully everything was ok. well, not completely, but that person and i have reached a truce. a truce of non-communication, but nonetheless a truce.

but this latest one... it's hurt. bad. i've cried so many tears over it, over what my trusting her led to. i've been assured that it is not my fault, and slowly i'm starting to believe that. and ultimately, it will be better for at least some of my friends involved. and as for the others, well, you know what they say about karma...

i was talking with a friend last night, and this time the tables were reversed. she was trusting me with stuff. and i'm not going to betray it. i promised her i wouldn't and she said "i know. sometimes you just have to know who to trust." and that made me feel good. it's helped more with the healing from the pain these other broken trusts have left me with.

the recent one...it hurt badly. the other person involved knew all the right things to say, exactly how to play it to get into my life and into my heart. and i was too blind to see it. and too blind to see the signs that were there when she got what she wanted and i wasn't as useful anymore. there were things we'd shared, things that got linked in my head and my heart with her. once everything went to hell, i had to reclaim those as mine and mine alone.

was it easy? no. but thankfully part of what had connected us was something i'd had before she came along. and i can still have it. i didn't even realize i was reclaiming it as mine until i was in the midst of it. it happened in stages, but i can totally say it's all mine again. someone else involved gets it. i know cause i started to explain what i was feeling to her and she hugged me and said "i know." that's all that needed to be said.

it's hard once you've been burned, especially as badly as i have. hard to trust again. to open up and let someone in. when the pain was at its worst, i swore i'd never open myself up to that kind of hurt again. i'm learning it's a lot easier for me to say that than do it.

still, i know that ultimately if i stop trusting people, i'll lose part of who i am. and that's not good either.

i just have to learn to listen to my gut - which is eerily accurate on so many things - and not just jump into trusting someone. i have to take my time, read the signs. i have to take care of me.

intro

2010-01-13T17:35:00.000-05:00

welcome to my mind. to my heart.

that's what this blog is going to be mostly. me exploring my mind and my heart. writing what's on them.

what's on them. what confuses them.

what breaks them.

what makes them laugh. what makes them cry.

other places update those who care on my life and activities. this one's going to be different.

join me or not. it's up to you.